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Rooster's generic RPG rules list - The Rooster - 12-12-2008
In the vein of 1000+ things Mr Welch can No Longer Do During an RPG and the like, I decided to make my own list. For those unfamiliar, they're essentially lists of in-jokes relating to actions taken during tabletop RPGs like Dungeons & Dragons.
1. The Time Warp is not an effective weapon against dragons.
2. Even if it's the pelvic thrust drives that really you insane.
3. Building a ship with two sterns and no bow will cause my crew more confusion than attackers.
4. Summon Rick Astley is not a real spell.
5. Sarcastro is not an appropriate superhero.
6. Neither is his sidekick, Captain Obvious.
7. If, at any point, Sarcastro says "Thank you, Captain Obvious", the game ends and I'm not allowed back.
8. I can dance if you want to. I can leave my friends behind.
9. Elves cant' grow pornstaches.
10. A pornstache won't get me into the bard's pants any quicker.
11. "War Kitten" isn't a real monster.
12. Even if they are deathly cute.
13. The Cult of the Blue Oyster fears the reaper.
14. I will not put carrots on the witch's nose as she sleeps.
15. Nor will I do so to random NPCs and claim they're witches.
16. There are no dwarves trying to smuggle my food through a magical yellow gate.
17. Fencemancy is not a school of magic.
18. I don't get a bonus to my seduction check for crotch stuffing.
19. If I cause the paladin to violate his alignment three times in one session, our characters are forbidden from communicating.
20. The barbarian is forbidden from crafting anything.
21. I will not convince the ranger totake favored enemies I know won't appear in the campaign.
22. Not all vampires like The Cure.
23. My character can't make soundtrack reccomendations.
24. As painful as it is to look at, a picture of the dwarf's wife shouldn't be used as a torture method.
25. Treefolk do not fear herrings.
26. Hiding in a fridge doesn't save me from explosions.
27. I will not mix the DNA of Skeletor and Adolf Hitler.
28. A fighter named McHammer is forbidden from taking levels in bard.
29. Even if his name is Syd Barret, the monk was never a member of Pink Floyd.
30. Ventriloquism isn't for practical jokes.
31. Lord Soth doesn't appreciate cutesy nicknames.
32. The phrase "Our princess is in another castle" does not provoke murderous rampages.
33. More cowbell is not the answer.
34. Even if it has an awesome solo, brutal death metal isn't suitable music for royalty.
35. My character does not have narcolepsy.
36. If in a modern setting, I will not refer to the Pope as Darth Sidious.
37. If it's a Star Wars setting, I will not call Darth Sidious as Benedict.
38. The amount of clothes I'm wearing in no way affects charisma-based rolls.
39. From now on, my kender is to be kept on a leash.
40. Disguise checks instantly fail if the disguise is only a hat and fake mustache.
41. The bard is forbidden from sounding like Randy Savage.
42. And if he does, he is forbidden from spoken word performance art.
43. "Money Shot" is not a skill.
44. Somebody banging halves of coconuts together is not a suitable replacement for a mount.
45. A bunch of people doing so will not convince bandits an army is approaching.
46. Swallows, African or otherwise, do not carry these coconuts.
47. Until I realise that not all aircraft are capable of doing barrel rolls, I'm not forbidden from flying.
48. I can't break the rules and claim the game is glitched.
49. As insightful as it may be, de-railing the game for session-long, in-character debates isforbidden.
50. Group sex, alcoholism, and being the founder of a Slayer fanclub are all alignment violations for paladins.
51. My male orc can't take levels in bard simply to perform stripteases.
52. I won't take only the flaws that will excuse me from guard duty.
53. A character named McHammer can't have the battle cry "It's hammer time!".
54. If my character, at any time, claims to be a "sweet transvestite from Transexual, Transylvannia", it dies.
55. My character is forbidden from emulating The Fonz.
56. A rabid fangirl's character, who we all knew was the lovechild of Harry Potter and Dante from Devil May Cry, was allowed, regardless of setting, because she's a girl. My proposed lovechild of Mr T and Chuck Norris was vetoed instantly. What a beautiful doublestandard.
57. I'm forbidden from convincing everybody to play bards, then form a band called A Flock of Dire Seagulls that plays 80s new wave.
58. When a problem comes along, I don't need to whip it.
59. In fact, I'm forbidden from using whips.
60. It's a bad idea for a superhero to have business cards containing their home address, phone number, and real name.
61. A note from my mother doesn't excuse me from battles.
62. Even if it did work for Zombie Nation, the villain can't be a zombified, man thong-wearing Sean Connery impersonator.
63. I'm only allowed a certain number of bad puns per session.
64. The GM has the right to retroactively reverse any action I do that results in a birth, the destruction of a town, or the emotional scarring of woodland animals.
65. There's something wrong with a chaotic evil pacifist.
66. If the only way the GM sees for saving the campaign involves Simon Belmont, the session never happened.
67. If I recreate the shark-jumping scene from Happy Days, my character dies.
68. I'm forbidden from making up clever uses for items and spells that the party suffers for.
69. Bill Cosby is not suitable for basing a warlock on.
70. After a string of bad Wilford Brimley impersonations, the GM will never make the mistake of giving me a non-fatal illness.
71. If playing a game in a modern setting, I can't call EB Games requesting Battle Toads.
72. Tinfoil hats don't give bonus against mind control in any system.
73. Just because Batman did it doesn't mean I can.
74. The Dungeons and Dragons movie never happened.
75. I'm forbidden from playing NPCs resembling characters in any Monty Python skit.
76. Other characters don't appreciate me shouting Star Fox dialogue at them while piloting ships.
77. Any scene that ends in me wearing womens' clothing is retroactively a dream.
78. Surprise Buttsex is not a Thief ability.
79. No matter how unoriginal, I won't mock the GM's quests, or consult GameFAQs when I finish my combat turn.
80. I won't open up a store where I sell useless items with the word "Spaceballs" on them.
81. I'm forbidden from making Yakov Smirnoff jokes.
82. And if they begin with "In Soviet Ebberon", I'm kicked out for the remainder of the session.
83. Even if he is the greatest Paladin of all time, I can't base mine on Stephen Colbert.
84. Old age is no excuse for not wanting to battle, self-defecation, or nonsensical rambling.
85. I can't play an R2 droid as if it were a dalek.
86. Or have it utter the words "love machine".
87. Even if I'm too sexy for my clothes, it's appreciated if I keep them on.
88. I can't set up a charity for out-of-work power rangers.
89. As awesome as he is, I can't base my character on Doctor House.
90. I can't scream "Objection!" during monologues.
91. My thief does not scream "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" while performing a sneak attack.
92. There's a limit to how many Monty Python references I can make before this list becomes plaigirism.
93. The party doesn't appreciate me carrying around motivational banners.
94. It's never appropriate to scream "It's Godzilla!" in downtown Tokyo.
95. The party doesn't need a busty blonde with a Texas accent to start the game.
96. Any German character that says "Halt, hammerzeit" will be killed.
97. When told to blank out a building's surveilance, a blue screen of death doesn't count.
98. Neither does a rickroll.
99. Just because McGuyver did it doesn't mean I can.
100. I'm forbidden from reciting bloodninja logs.