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+--- Thread: The new poem I be writin.... CHAPTERS (/thread-976.html)
The new poem I be writin.... CHAPTERS - Nuanla - 12-07-2009
A reopened chapter, a holy destitute for the holy recital.
Laws intended to control the weak, a man made keypad when in emergency we dial...
Vows for the living and prayers for the dying. One of them follows truth while the other masks their lying...
Forcibly softened and weakened with a smile. Reasoning made out of the simplest words, but just as strong defile...
Like a new stone in old glass is forward falling and lunged... so are the words which we based our faith in the modern kingdom come...
The new poem I be writin.... CHAPTERS - Lunarea - 12-09-2009
You have a kind of an abstract feeling to the words that doesn't necessarily go with the format of the poem. I think it would flow better if your verses were shorter, even fragmented. The reader will naturally pause at the end of each verse, so shorter phrases or fragments would give your imagery and ideas more impact.
For example, your first verse flows better if it were split into two:
A reopened chapter,
a holy destitute for the holy recital.
The natural pause between the two segments makes it so your verse isn't too wordy and the reader isn't bombarded with too much information.
Other than that ... You've got a lovely gothic feeling going on. It reminds me of lyrics to some death metal song, which is pretty cool. :)