Conspiracies Retold

[kyonides]

Chapter Two

Metal Fox

This furry character was not included in our previous issue of the Conspiracies Retold magazine for a good reason. OK, I Fred admit that I just forgot about him but this is no problem for our investigative team. Even if we had made any serious attempt to contact him, it would have failed miserably. Do you want to know why I make such a bold claim all of sudden? Then keep reading to find that out!

Who does not like to pay attention to a few rumors every so often? Be sure we do! How else would we be able to find the truth somewhere if there were no single trace to follow? This exactly why we will keep working like real hounds sniffing any juicy rumor that ever reaches our sensitive ears. Please donate $1 to let us buy some coffee at Stardollars.

Today’s story started the very same day Lani was complaining about how Kyonides kept sending her some private messages about weird things happening around the world. Suddenly she mentioned something about a fur. Well, so far there was nothing unusual about that until she uttered Metal’s name. Our team tried to interview her on several occasions but she refused to open her door or answer her phone. Even our text messages had been ignored by the slender bounty hunter.

As a side note we want to add here that we do not know why she is considered a bounty hunter at all. Who did she arrest on behalf of the local authorities? Or is it an euphemism for a bloodthirsty mercenary? Stay tuned for more information concerning her secret life and upcoming projects!

Since we had no other choice, we followed the lazy scripter Kyonides everywhere. Once again we never managed to extract a single confession out of his mouth. Perhaps you might be thinking we were harassing him and we did deserve such terrible outcome. Let me tell you that you are totally wrong! Our suffering was worth the effort for we were able to collect what would later become one of the most vital pieces of information in this turbulent case.

After consulting a few experts on graphology and mystic symbology, we learned that the drawing on a piece of paper the scripter left behind by mistake was one of a kind. You are right, dear readers, this does not tell you a lot, yet, it makes it clear it had to belong to some secret organization. Which one? Take a seat first! Seriously, take one right away! You are going to need it badly. Guaranteed.

This hideous club is called the furmasons! So who are they? Err, this was not an easy task to find out, dear friends. We had actually lost a colleague during our deep investigation of this dark society. Rest in peace, dear Puma the stray cat. Obviously we do know she was no human being, still, without her help we would have never had a chance to unveil many of their well kept secrets ever!

To be totally honest with you, our first option was sending Princess Patches to their secret lair. As you might have imagined, she refused to lend us a paw for she is royalty. At least that was what she had meowed back at us all early that day. Thus we resorted to calling our best feline friend Puma to do the dangerous job for us. We truly wished she had never gone through such a terrible experience. Nonetheless, we will honor her sacrifice by publishing all she had discovered before she was caught by Metal’s henchmen or comrades.

It was a rainy afternoon and our secret agent complained a bit about going out with such wet weather. We told her there was no choice, they were about to hold a special meeting right after sunset. When she asked us to reveal our source, we told her it was our trustworthy friend QAnon. For obvious reasons the cat was confused for she had no idea there was any spy or agent with such a strange nickname. That was the exact moment we let her know he or she was being targeted by the US government and even by Putin himself! She reacted claiming she would have expected someone like Xi Jinping to issue such an order instead. We were in need of remarking then that it was too early to disregard such a tyrant like him as a suspect, yet.

Feel free to blame me, Fred, for not explaining what was happening here and why we had to contact a cat friend and not some famous private investigator then. I preferred to let you see how we had lectured her on what we were expecting to take place in no time. We all were fully aware this was a risky mission, but we accepted our fates for the very same sake of our lovely readers!

Going back on track, let us make you feel uncomfortable once again for we will tell you right here and right now who the infamous furmasons are. It is a bunch of sociopaths waiting for society to succumb at any moment! Yes, they definitely are, our bold claims are based on some valuable hard evidence and we can prove it to you all! Just give us a chance to expose their evil ways, you will not regret it!

Thanks to the microphone our infiltrator carried along, we would soon realize they do not refer to their club as a proper club but as their lair. Doesn’t this sound suspicious enough for you? Why would anybody call it a lair? Unless it was a stupid joke, no one would ever dare to disrespect their sanctuary the way they did it there. Now think it twice, we told you they call themselves the furmasons and furry animals might easily accept to dwell in lairs after all.

Laugh at us if you will, but you better know that your attitude will not last for long. You see, pretty much all of their members are furries! Yes, that is exactly the kind of people that would be seen attending that nasty place at dusk. Anyway we need to stop right there for a minute. This does not mean that all of them actually possess a fur of sorts, what we are saying here is that many do while others just pretend they do have one of their own.

Metal is a fox so it does seem quite natural for him to join them. What about a former prime minister of Japan? Why would he enter such a place filled with fur everywhere? And his successor? He was there as well! There are too many coincidences as to be disregarded altogether just for the sake of simplicity or transparency. No, darn fact checkers, we will never surrender to your insane plans of controlling information worldwide! We will remain an independent medium forever!

Our brave magazine owes its sponsor Goyim Foods our survival in this wild cyber world for all of its terrific efforts and contributions that allows us to bring you these mind blowing articles every week without rest. Thank you very much for trusting our team of valiant reporters and insiders!

Now that you have seen a clear picture of how partakes in such shady activities, let us explain why we had picked a cat to enter that sinister place. Her fur was the key to uncover these mysteries. Without it they would have spotted us in no time! They would have left the building and drive off to another secret location. Do not ask us why or when did this ever happen, just trust us! We know what we are talking about here!

That evening we were glad they chose to ignore Puma for the time being. This chance allowed us to confirm that Metal Fox had arrived about half an hour and was waiting for somebody at the main hall. To our dismay, he does not seem to be a close friend of the politicians mentioned above. Well, appearances usually are deceitful, don’t you think?

Later on we discovered that a few influential bankers had joined them. Once again Metal did not greet any of them. Instead he drew near another group and suddenly hugged a fellow singer, famous for unexpectedly leaving his good old band just a couple of weeks ago. The fox soon congratulated him for becoming a full fledged JPop star.

Just about five minutes later, while Puma was looking for other prominent public figures there, the fateful event took place. After she had escaped the building we let our veterinarian check her condition. His diagnose was seriously sinister, somehow she had been bitten by some wild beast! By midnight she had already departed this unjust world. Our deep sympathies for our poor collaborator Silly!

Letters From Our Readers

We created this new section after learning about the great success of our past investigative report on the board’s members. It seems to be clear to us that many of them had something else to share with our beloved audience. Please enjoy!

Dear Conspiracies Retold Magazine Investigative Team,

No matter how many times I have read your previous issue, I was unable to find any valid reference to your nonsensical claim that some darn parakeets are my masters. What proofs have you got to back up your stupid accusation?

P.S.

Parakeets are evil! They are real psychopaths! Go on and underestimate them under your own risk!

A Werewolf from Fangtown, MD

Dear Magazine,

We are the cute Lani and her friend the Octicap and we wrote you this letter only to tell you that you got it all wrong! I have never seen this Cheesie James rodent you talked about on your previous issue. Who the hell is that critter? Stop justifying that irresponsible driver’s misdeed by claiming someone else should be held responsible for the car crash! That was quite nasty indeed!

A Simple Bounty Hunter from another world & the adventurous Octicap from a far away sea

Dear Conspiracies Retold Team,

I wanna introduce myself now. I am Melana the dreaming girl you covered on your previous article. Actually I wanna complain about it. There you blatantly stated I disregard any purity level laws. Let me tell you that not accurate at all. Unlike beer, my products are not subject to any particular laws, allowing me to make a lot of experiments every month.

No, I am not saying I never make any mistakes during the brewing process. I often do but I always manage to correct my secret formulae. Still, my customers do appreciate my efforts and keep supporting me by purchasing my very exclusive liquor. You know, I can send you a sample if you like. Then you would be fully capable of writing a nice article on the goodness of my special beverages.

The lunar brewmaster from the Black Forest

Conspiracies Retold Team,

Let me now laugh hard at you! You know nothing but you keep pretending you do! You are the perfect example of what happens to a stupid tabloid when they were unable to steal or take some indecent photographs of dumb celebrities to keep up your sales.

Anonymous from No Man’s Land

To be continued depending on current sales...