12-29-2008, 09:11 AM
Here is what I wrote when reading chapter 1
1. rabikes isn't as good a name as I thought
2. great idea for a story. kind of reminds me a bit of that ella enchanted movie (which i suppose is also a book)
3. writing style can be a bit disjointed at times and change style /pace suddenly
4. oh, its his last name, i feel better about it now
5. i dont know if you want feedback on this or to just be an archive in your story in which case delete my posts
6. I don't know why but its much harder to remember which character is which than in other stories. maybe its because they use several nicknames. if you could supply an image or something of them it might be easier.
7. writing style seems too pizzacatto at points, and at this point ive attributed it to the short dialog and the grammar rule of new paragraphs after dialog, so i guess its not within your control.
8. lol at the hot stuff bit
9. the dialogue of the army guy is great
like i said in number #5...
1. rabikes isn't as good a name as I thought
2. great idea for a story. kind of reminds me a bit of that ella enchanted movie (which i suppose is also a book)
3. writing style can be a bit disjointed at times and change style /pace suddenly
4. oh, its his last name, i feel better about it now
5. i dont know if you want feedback on this or to just be an archive in your story in which case delete my posts
6. I don't know why but its much harder to remember which character is which than in other stories. maybe its because they use several nicknames. if you could supply an image or something of them it might be easier.
7. writing style seems too pizzacatto at points, and at this point ive attributed it to the short dialog and the grammar rule of new paragraphs after dialog, so i guess its not within your control.
8. lol at the hot stuff bit
9. the dialogue of the army guy is great
like i said in number #5...