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 BlueSkies (COMPLETE)
#4
Hehe ok here you go:

Long after the universe was created, it was expanded by a supreme being, unknown. Worlds within worlds formed as thousands of galaxies took shape. Within this vastness, a very beautiful world was created; a virgin paradise pulsating the light of innocence as it unfolded before the stars. Planet "Vyen" is a pure world filled with the mysteries of serenity and complete harmony. As humanity and life formed, they began to spread and multiply. It was all light, beauty and pure... until man began to expand their awareness, their knowledge.

Though some ascended to a higher form of conscious thought; using their knowledge for the betterment of oneself and finding peace within; others have fallen into the abyss of greed and corruption leading to a desire and thirst for power, giving birth to evil as we know it. By then, the once pure world was tainted. Wars have been sought, and leaders entered bloody battles to divide and conquer.

Celestial beings neighboring the planet were worried, for, if humanity were to destroy itself, the balance of the universe would be affected greatly. The Celestial beings then visited the planet in the form of man, trying to make a change. However, all was too late as the only glimmering hope the Celestials were clinging to, was Love. A bond which connects two completely different bodies, two completely opposing forces.

As they held this new found hope in their hands, a new horizon was born... For now.


Notes: The writing is already really good, as I said. I feel you have a mature voice in the way you express the plot. What I changed is merely grammatical, except for one point, the formatting. It made sense to put it as 4 paragraphs. Each paragraph has its own theme and idea and the final line, separated that way, is more impactful. Also, the over-use of ellipses ("...") makes them lose their effect and should generally be replaced with standard punctuation where possible.

Just so you know, I'm a languages teacher and lyricist (I write lyrics for my music). Sorry if I offend you at all, I just think you have a lot of potential as a writer and I want to contribute by nudging you in the right direction! Please tell me to stop if I'm annoying you at all.
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Messages In This Thread
BlueSkies (COMPLETE) - by Starmage - 04-04-2016, 06:06 PM
RE: BlueSkies (Short demo available) RM2k3 - by MetalRenard - 04-05-2016, 06:01 PM
RE: BlueSkies (3 hours long demo) - by Starmage - 04-22-2016, 05:04 PM
RE: BlueSkies (COMPLETE) - by Starmage - 04-25-2016, 07:46 AM
RE: BlueSkies (COMPLETE) - by thephantom - 04-25-2016, 08:45 PM
RE: BlueSkies (COMPLETE) - by MetalRenard - 04-25-2016, 10:47 PM
RE: BlueSkies (COMPLETE) - by Starmage - 04-26-2016, 03:42 AM
RE: BlueSkies (COMPLETE) - by Starmage - 05-03-2016, 07:07 PM
RE: BlueSkies (COMPLETE) - by Starmage - 02-09-2018, 11:09 AM
RE: BlueSkies (COMPLETE) - by Starmage - 03-06-2023, 08:50 AM

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