How the Villain Serves Cheesecake to the Hero

[Xanqui]

How the Villain Serves Cheesecake to the Hero
by Xanqui

Ever wondered how villains mastered the art of serving cheesecake? HERE'S HOW!

Please note, that this article is best read while listening to the song Requiem for a Dream, and while sipping a nice hot cup of French Vanilla tea.


Before we begin, I would like to explain that villains care for only two things: destruction and sex. I don’t care if my Cruel Intentions articles state otherwise. So, based on that theory, they probably have little time to eat, which explains why many villains aren’t very fat. Of course, Queen Brahne could be classified as a villain, and she was fat, and I hated her, but she was a Queen. However, the villains often capture the heroes, and on some occasions, serve them wine and cheesecake. This article will explain how YOU can make your villain serve cheesecake perfectly.

Now, what is the significance of cheesecake, you ask? I have something to ask you: what ISN’T the significance of cheesecake? It’s a smooth, delicate food that pleases even the most stubborn taste buds. There are many different forms of cheesecake, and it can be served in a variety of ways. Villains, on the other hand, only have two different ways of serving it; poisoned, and not poisoned.


The appearance of the cheesecake, whether poisoned or not:

The cake is served on a round, porcelain plate, with gold trim around the edge. There are flowers imprinted along the sides, and if you were to run your finger over these, you would feel each and every bump along the way. This is obviously an expensive dish, and must be cleaned with tremendous care. No other plate will suffice, as it will not show the true sincerity of the villain.

The only mess on this plate is the cheesecake itself, which could hardly be considered a mess. It can only be described as perfect. Like most other cheesecake slices, it is cut from a larger cheesecake, thus, giving it the rounded back, and the pizza-like figure. Along the rounded back is whipped cream, which is placed so perfectly, God himself would applaud at this work. In most cases, there will be a zigzag of chocolate on top of the cake, which extends onto the plate. This chocolate is not for taste; it is for show. Only the most uncaring, crude hero would actually lick the chocolate off the plate after finishing the perfect cake.

Next to the cake lies a small fork, with four prongs. The fork is made of silver, and is not to be abused. There will be crafty designs imprinted on the fork, similar to the flowers on the plate. These designs range from flowers to…flowers.

Holding the dish with the cake and the fork, is a butler. This butler is male, and stands roughly six feet, five inches tall. He wears an expensive tuxedo, and has perfectly straight hair. But it is obvious that he is more of a slave to the villain than a butler. Nonetheless, this butler has great respect for the villain, and would do anything for him. On his right hand, which is the hand holding the dish, is a white glove. The glove is very bright, and looks as if it were brand new, when in fact it has just been cleaned with the finest of detergents.

When served, the cake is slowly set in front of the hero, who is sitting in a comfortable chair. The hero generally takes a look at the cheesecake and wonders whether it is poisoned or not.

Without Poison:
The villain is serving unpoisoned cheesecake for a reason. He wants to show that the hero can trust him. However, the villain will not speak of the cheesecake as he explains his plans (and how the hero can stop him). The villain wants the hero to be his partner, and to be a friend, which is why the cheesecake was not poisoned.

With Poison:
The villain will pay close attention as the hero picks up his fork. He will stay quiet, and not speak a word during the entire course of the hero’s decision to eat it or not. The villain will then proceed to explain his plans (and how the hero can stop him), and the hero, if you wish, will either throw his fork down and not eat it, or he will eat it, and be poisoned.

The poison, if you wish your hero to live, is one of those poisons that slowly kills a hero, and he will have a chance of finding a special fruit or whatever to save himself. If you wish your hero to die, the poison will do the same, and you will have your hero die just before he is saved.

The villain will then proceed to laugh, and will kill the butler for no apparent reason.

So there you have it; the complete explanation of how the villain serves cheesecake to the hero. Whether you decide to use this in your novel, your game, or in real life, be sure to follow every single rule followed above. Cheesecake is not to be tampered with, when relating to evil.

However, the villain is not the only character who may serve cheesecake to the hero. Here is a list of other character roles who may serve cheesecake, and why.

The Mother of the Hero – She probably won’t poison it, but she makes it for the hero before he leaves for his adventure.

Waiter – Because the hero ordered it. Again, this is probably not poisoned, but it may be a little sloppier than how the villain would serve it.

Waitress – See Waiter

Seemingly-evil Protagonist – You know, the character who seems evil, but isn’t. It won’t be poisoned, but he does this for trust.

Nature – When the hero gets lost in a forest, the trees make cheesecake for the protagonist because they feel bad for him.

The Protagonist Himself – He’s hungry. Generally, he doesn’t poison his own food.