Posts: 70
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Joined: Nov 2009
A.D.D.
So, I did this poem for school. Its a poem you have to read aloud to kinda get it. Its supposed to be light-hearted fun and humorous, but it also has deeper meaning in it. I still am determining whether or not I shall publish it or not. o:
Thoughts and opinions would be nice. o:
Posts: 318
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Joined: Oct 2009
Haha I like the idea. XD It was humorous while making some good points at the same time. The only critique I feel I need to make is that it felt like you were trying to rhyme too hard. It all went together fairly well in the beginning, but the further you went the less natural it felt. Especially the last paragraph:
Quote:I have always loved the holidays
but many seem to be a haze.
Since everything seem to go so wrong,
they stop my life from moving smoothly along.
An example, on Easter I was attacked by a dog.
That incident has kept that holiday in a fog.
My mind tries to block the bloody pain.
And the hospital trip wasâ¦
Those four lines I made darkblue felt really forced out. And the bit about Easter kinda feels like it should be expanded on, but I guess it fits with the theme. :o The main issue I have with over-rhyming or (in this case) rhyming too obviously is that it's not how our thoughts usually work. When we think, it's incredibly incoherent and I guess some of the rhyming bothers me.
Overall, it's a very good poem, but I personally would have taken it in a slightly different direction in terms of rhyming. :)
