Conspiracies Retold

[kyonides]

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On hiatus. For new story updates please visit my accounts on FictionPress and other specialized websites.

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Conspiracies Retold

by Kyonides

Chapter One

The Magazine and The Board

Did you ever ask you the following question? No, you did not for you usually do not care about silly stuff. You just love to visit the forum and download as many ZIP files, scripts and screenshots as you can find there. Admit it, you are guilty of not partaking in the usual board’s activities.

But what the hell is that question all about? Why do I always forget to formulate it? That is an easy one, folks. I never tell you what it is because you would prefer to ignore it. Even so I will tell you all I know about that fateful event, right here, right now. Get ready for this shocking revelation, guys! Or go buy some popcorn first, if deemed necessary.

I Fred, now working part time for Conspiracies Retold magazine, know nothing about how the board became an actual forum and not just another forgotten bulletin board. Honestly, I was not even a full member back at those early days of the global maker scene. Yet, I have got lots of informants and tons of threads where to search for such vital data. No, I do not expect you to believe me at first, still, you will do it once you overanalyze what I have to tell you today. I am pretty sure you are going to love it.

Let us begin with one of my favorite forum conspiracies now. I got to warn you it is filled with strong pain, an insane dose of sadness and injustice, of course.

Lani’s Destiny

Every so often you might see how she posts a new update on her current project, the very same one she started a few years ago when it was totally free and even included ripoffs here and there. Those were good times indeed, if you do not care about copyright but just game making. I mentioned it because its development has been halted even for months on several occasions. Here is why that ever took place.

Someone close to her, I will not reveal that person’s identity for privacy reasons, had a car crash and was in need of some extra help. That meant Lani had to work like a slave to attend this individual who had been suffering like never before in his or her life. About the rest of our friendly octopus cap wearing lady’s story I can only say you better go ask her all of your questions after you treated her to some chocolate or her favorite pizza.

Now we better focus on that part of her life even she ignored up to this very same day: the reason why she had to endure all of those sorrowful moments.

This is difficult to admit for Kyonides because he does not want to blame anybody else for her sad days that she was too busy as to be able to keep developing her game. And he is right to think it twice. Why would you accuse a friend of yours of committing a heinous crime as that car crash? In his case it is harder than usual due to the curious fact that his little friend cannot defend himself at a   court. You see, we are talking about a minuscule mouse here, namely the adventurous Cheesie James and his crazy anecdotes.

Actually their story began long time ago when he had uploaded several graphical resources under his online nickname, the very same one I will not disclose here for obvious reasons. He simply forgot to tell her and anybody else where did he find them in the first place. As an RXP engine lover, he was unable to prevent himself from posting them on the board.

Sadly, his real life projects did not offer him a chance to leave a healthy warning telling them not to include them if they were going fully commercial. Take in consideration we all are living beings and we tend to leave out some details every so often so do not be so harsh on CJ, please. Seriously, my readers, he has gone through a lot of tough situations as to face your cynical criticism now.

Anyway do not worry, my cyber friends! Lani finally realize that those graphics could not be used legally so she has been working hard on replacing them to the point she hired her own graphical designer. Even so you better become her patron in case you do want her to keep it going for another couple of months. By the way, I am not mentioning who is in charge of her game’s new GUI for Kyonides asked me not to do so. He has never revealed why he refused to ever let me reveal it here. Is this good enough as to be called food for thought? You tell me!

Kyonides and His Smileys

There is a weird rumor about how did a scripter got inspired in such a way as to make about one hundred and seventy smileys using GIMP only. Please admit it now, there is no reason to link scripting with common icons or emoticons and the like. Wrong! There is one now that I think about it. Let us call it boredom. Yes, boredom.

Who would not get bored of picking the same old emoticons over and over again? Err, he did. And nope, he did not rely on some newcomer who might happen to be an expert on graphical design. So how exactly did he manage to produce so many icons? There is no mystery about that, he simply chose to mimic ElJol’s bread slice style, he, he.

Oh right! That does not explain why he even made a couple of cyber threat emoticons. Here is what I have found regarding such electronic critters, he did not make them because he felt like it as he first asserted. No, there is more a lot more to tell you about that story! Nonetheless, a few details should suffice to unveil this local mystery.

By the way, he never reduced the size of any actual photograph to the forum GIF file’s own dimensions. He seriously loves to catch and later reproduce the animals’ essence on a virtual canvas a pixel at a time. As much as he loves ramen, meaning he deeply hated that part of his job. Curiously, he did not complain (much) about drawing that infamous bread slice face eating some plain ramen right in front of you, the forumer. Probably he might have thought at some point that making others watch the character eat popcorn or empanadas or even donuts was good enough as his compensation for uploading the noodles inspired one.

Wulfo’s Ascent to Virtual Power

First go and read some official story on how the board was ever founded by his old friend who once sported some crazy Burton’s character that looked quite creepy. Then you will be ready to learn about what actually happened. Do not come back complaining about how different both versions are! I am warning you about how he has been hiding the truth from you.

OK, in his defense I got to say it is not his fault. The poor!? shapeshifter was forced not to expose his true masters. His reason was he hadd been keeping the secret sub rosa, or he is under oath if you prefer to skip all references to good old Latin. Oh no, I am no expert on such ancient languages anyway. I wish I were!

To be honest with you on his behalf, he has already revealed some of the actual facts in an indirect way. He could not stop his pen to write his long forgotten story handling some nasty birds. It is worth reading it while raining (also known as a rain of bullets) is pouring down in case you DO hate chickens or those winged beasts that do not know when to stop blabbing. You will agree with me once you notice the book is exaggerating the role of their lead characters on purpose.

Wait, my dear friend! If you think that was all, you better stop watching old cartoons right now. He has got another set of masters: the meowing kittens. Well, at this point many of them are full grown cats. Just go ask Good or Evil about how many times he has been fooled to do their feline bidding!

Before I make any further revelations, we better start discussing another interesting topic.

Melana the Sleepy Girl

You cannot even imagine how much I wanted to reveal everything about her. To my dismay I got to realize sooner than later it was becoming impossible for your servitor to unmask her. No matter what I did she remained an unexplained board’s mystery.

We only know a few details about Mel like her natural tendency to fall asleep and start dreaming about pretty much anything weird. She ignored all of my private messages asking her for any explanation or clue that could let us find the truth about her dreams.

At this point we can only speculate that she has been under a very expensive medical treatment to make her become a cat girl hybrid one day. Yet, I cannot guarantee that is her case for Melana’s private records are off limits, and the saddening fact her lawyer refused to ever call us back to discuss anything concerning her dreams.

Fear not, folks! We did find out something about our friend. Actually we learned she has a dark side indeed. Her dream world alter ego is dangerous according to CJ the mouse. Well, we could suspect he is afraid of her feline nature. I conclude he definitely is after reading one of Kyonides’s stories that handles their trip to another world devoid of high technology and how there were two different Melanas at the same place for a brief period of time. And yes, one of them got a tail!

Conclusions

Lani’s friend was not the only victim, Cheesie James was one as well. You see, he was trying to defend himself from a nasty cat called Princess Patches. They had been fighting for quite some time when they got under somebody’s car and broke some parts here and there. The innocent mouse totally ignored the owner would later drive off to his workplace, causing an accident by hitting her friend’s car unwillingly.

Now you have learned the actual reason why nobody wanted to denounce him as a saboteur. The local Rodent Council would certainly prefer not to get involved in his case and offer no legal support to that poor member. He would then depend on some foreign lawyer like a penguin or sloth that would entirely ignore his social background and the council’s secret agenda.

Luckily, the driver had a bad attitude so any cop would rather prefer to arrest him than to go after our tiny hero CJ. This does not mean that no canine agent ever suspected other animals might have been involved in this disturbing case. This magazine attempted to reveal this agent’s identity to no avail. We suspect the sergeant or captain was protecting his or her identity after getting involved in several terrible cases as of late. Time will tell…

As a bonus, you should know Patches is no actual princess but an agent of some feline institution that loves to remain secret for the time being.

Concerning Kyonides’s situation, he once admitted that he had been threatened by some smiley at some point. Who would not fear it? He informed him that it would exterminate him some day if he ever discriminated robots and cyborgs! At the same time somebody asked him about the former criminal dressed like a cat. The scripter answered “She was furiously claiming it was unfair how I had two bats and a single feline representative only!”

Parakeets! Yes, those are some of Wulfo’s masters! His weird story is nothing but his furry way to tell us how crazy they are as to attack some place only to persuade any individual from ever disappointing them by pressing charges against them.

Why would they care about a vegetarian werewolf? Well, he is a witness so draw your own conclusions!

Here is a second but final bonus! Based only on rumors spread by A Short Odyssey’s developer, we have learned that Melana surely looks as if she deeply loved to be evil or playful by nature and planned to run a bar or tavern at suspicious location. Her products would not be restricted by any local or national or even international purity level laws as her very own way to please her shady patrons’ taste.

To be continued depending on the CEO's mood...

[kyonides]

Chapter Two

Metal Fox

This furry character was not included in our previous issue of the Conspiracies Retold magazine for a good reason. OK, I Fred admit that I just forgot about him but this is no problem for our investigative team. Even if we had made any serious attempt to contact him, it would have failed miserably. Do you want to know why I make such a bold claim all of sudden? Then keep reading to find that out!

Who does not like to pay attention to a few rumors every so often? Be sure we do! How else would we be able to find the truth somewhere if there were no single trace to follow? This exactly why we will keep working like real hounds sniffing any juicy rumor that ever reaches our sensitive ears. Please donate $1 to let us buy some coffee at Stardollars.

Today’s story started the very same day Lani was complaining about how Kyonides kept sending her some private messages about weird things happening around the world. Suddenly she mentioned something about a fur. Well, so far there was nothing unusual about that until she uttered Metal’s name. Our team tried to interview her on several occasions but she refused to open her door or answer her phone. Even our text messages had been ignored by the slender bounty hunter.

As a side note we want to add here that we do not know why she is considered a bounty hunter at all. Who did she arrest on behalf of the local authorities? Or is it an euphemism for a bloodthirsty mercenary? Stay tuned for more information concerning her secret life and upcoming projects!

Since we had no other choice, we followed the lazy scripter Kyonides everywhere. Once again we never managed to extract a single confession out of his mouth. Perhaps you might be thinking we were harassing him and we did deserve such terrible outcome. Let me tell you that you are totally wrong! Our suffering was worth the effort for we were able to collect what would later become one of the most vital pieces of information in this turbulent case.

After consulting a few experts on graphology and mystic symbology, we learned that the drawing on a piece of paper the scripter left behind by mistake was one of a kind. You are right, dear readers, this does not tell you a lot, yet, it makes it clear it had to belong to some secret organization. Which one? Take a seat first! Seriously, take one right away! You are going to need it badly. Guaranteed.

This hideous club is called the furmasons! So who are they? Err, this was not an easy task to find out, dear friends. We had actually lost a colleague during our deep investigation of this dark society. Rest in peace, dear Puma the stray cat. Obviously we do know she was no human being, still, without her help we would have never had a chance to unveil many of their well kept secrets ever!

To be totally honest with you, our first option was sending Princess Patches to their secret lair. As you might have imagined, she refused to lend us a paw for she is royalty. At least that was what she had meowed back at us all early that day. Thus we resorted to calling our best feline friend Puma to do the dangerous job for us. We truly wished she had never gone through such a terrible experience. Nonetheless, we will honor her sacrifice by publishing all she had discovered before she was caught by Metal’s henchmen or comrades.

It was a rainy afternoon and our secret agent complained a bit about going out with such wet weather. We told her there was no choice, they were about to hold a special meeting right after sunset. When she asked us to reveal our source, we told her it was our trustworthy friend QAnon. For obvious reasons the cat was confused for she had no idea there was any spy or agent with such a strange nickname. That was the exact moment we let her know he or she was being targeted by the US government and even by Putin himself! She reacted claiming she would have expected someone like Xi Jinping to issue such an order instead. We were in need of remarking then that it was too early to disregard such a tyrant like him as a suspect, yet.

Feel free to blame me, Fred, for not explaining what was happening here and why we had to contact a cat friend and not some famous private investigator then. I preferred to let you see how we had lectured her on what we were expecting to take place in no time. We all were fully aware this was a risky mission, but we accepted our fates for the very same sake of our lovely readers!

Going back on track, let us make you feel uncomfortable once again for we will tell you right here and right now who the infamous furmasons are. It is a bunch of sociopaths waiting for society to succumb at any moment! Yes, they definitely are, our bold claims are based on some valuable hard evidence and we can prove it to you all! Just give us a chance to expose their evil ways, you will not regret it!

Thanks to the microphone our infiltrator carried along, we would soon realize they do not refer to their club as a proper club but as their lair. Doesn’t this sound suspicious enough for you? Why would anybody call it a lair? Unless it was a stupid joke, no one would ever dare to disrespect their sanctuary the way they did it there. Now think it twice, we told you they call themselves the furmasons and furry animals might easily accept to dwell in lairs after all.

Laugh at us if you will, but you better know that your attitude will not last for long. You see, pretty much all of their members are furries! Yes, that is exactly the kind of people that would be seen attending that nasty place at dusk. Anyway we need to stop right there for a minute. This does not mean that all of them actually possess a fur of sorts, what we are saying here is that many do while others just pretend they do have one of their own.

Metal is a fox so it does seem quite natural for him to join them. What about a former prime minister of Japan? Why would he enter such a place filled with fur everywhere? And his successor? He was there as well! There are too many coincidences as to be disregarded altogether just for the sake of simplicity or transparency. No, darn fact checkers, we will never surrender to your insane plans of controlling information worldwide! We will remain an independent medium forever!

Our brave magazine owes its sponsor Goyim Foods our survival in this wild cyber world for all of its terrific efforts and contributions that allows us to bring you these mind blowing articles every week without rest. Thank you very much for trusting our team of valiant reporters and insiders!

Now that you have seen a clear picture of how partakes in such shady activities, let us explain why we had picked a cat to enter that sinister place. Her fur was the key to uncover these mysteries. Without it they would have spotted us in no time! They would have left the building and drive off to another secret location. Do not ask us why or when did this ever happen, just trust us! We know what we are talking about here!

That evening we were glad they chose to ignore Puma for the time being. This chance allowed us to confirm that Metal Fox had arrived about half an hour and was waiting for somebody at the main hall. To our dismay, he does not seem to be a close friend of the politicians mentioned above. Well, appearances usually are deceitful, don’t you think?

Later on we discovered that a few influential bankers had joined them. Once again Metal did not greet any of them. Instead he drew near another group and suddenly hugged a fellow singer, famous for unexpectedly leaving his good old band just a couple of weeks ago. The fox soon congratulated him for becoming a full fledged JPop star.

Just about five minutes later, while Puma was looking for other prominent public figures there, the fateful event took place. After she had escaped the building we let our veterinarian check her condition. His diagnose was seriously sinister, somehow she had been bitten by some wild beast! By midnight she had already departed this unjust world. Our deep sympathies for our poor collaborator Silly!

Letters From Our Readers

We created this new section after learning about the great success of our past investigative report on the board’s members. It seems to be clear to us that many of them had something else to share with our beloved audience. Please enjoy!

Dear Conspiracies Retold Magazine Investigative Team,

No matter how many times I have read your previous issue, I was unable to find any valid reference to your nonsensical claim that some darn parakeets are my masters. What proofs have you got to back up your stupid accusation?

P.S.

Parakeets are evil! They are real psychopaths! Go on and underestimate them under your own risk!

A Werewolf from Fangtown, MD

Dear Magazine,

We are the cute Lani and her friend the Octicap and we wrote you this letter only to tell you that you got it all wrong! I have never seen this Cheesie James rodent you talked about on your previous issue. Who the hell is that critter? Stop justifying that irresponsible driver’s misdeed by claiming someone else should be held responsible for the car crash! That was quite nasty indeed!

A Simple Bounty Hunter from another world & the adventurous Octicap from a far away sea

Dear Conspiracies Retold Team,

I wanna introduce myself now. I am Melana the dreaming girl you covered on your previous article. Actually I wanna complain about it. There you blatantly stated I disregard any purity level laws. Let me tell you that not accurate at all. Unlike beer, my products are not subject to any particular laws, allowing me to make a lot of experiments every month.

No, I am not saying I never make any mistakes during the brewing process. I often do but I always manage to correct my secret formulae. Still, my customers do appreciate my efforts and keep supporting me by purchasing my very exclusive liquor. You know, I can send you a sample if you like. Then you would be fully capable of writing a nice article on the goodness of my special beverages.

The lunar brewmaster from the Black Forest

Conspiracies Retold Team,

Let me now laugh hard at you! You know nothing but you keep pretending you do! You are the perfect example of what happens to a stupid tabloid when they were unable to steal or take some indecent photographs of dumb celebrities to keep up your sales.

Anonymous from No Man’s Land

To be continued depending on current sales...

[kyonides]

Chapter Three

Fiery September

Any American might know by now what happened on that fateful day where several airplanes were hijacked and thousands of people lost their lives, including police officers and rescuers. The Conspiracies Retold Team sends their survivors our deep sympathies, and promptly declares that it will not touch that delicate matter on this issue. Instead this article will focus exclusively on what happened with the plane that did not explode nor hit any building as originally planned.

For a bunch of terrorist cells with evil leaders that carefully designed such a horrific plan for months or even years, letting some so called commoners refrain them from destroying anything was a real low blow. How could they be so reckless? Or would it be better to change our entire mindset to better understand the events that took place that bloody day? Certainly we should!

Let us begin with George Walker Bush, the former president, and analyze his strange behavior. Instead of taking care of his usual duties, he preferred to listen to some idiotic fairy tale as if he were just another kindergartener. Suddenly some of his Secret Service agents alerts him of what was happening to the Twin Towers or the Pentagon at that time. Why did he need to visit that school? Was it a diversion for us the viewers all around the world? Were we supposed to think he was fully unaware of such attacks?

Before we continue discussing we got to make an astonishing revelation now. Our team had been contacted by a protected witness one of these days and he or she had a weird story to tell us. It has everything to do with those heroes that prevented a third attack. They were not heroic at all. Wait a moment! What I mean here is that they did a splendid job at catching the hijackers, still, that would not have been possible if it were not due to some missing clue we are about to reveal here.

Their connection to the real mastermind was cut off on purpose. You see, it was not Osama Bin Laden for he had always been a puppet of the world powers, even an Arabian prince had a better chance of orchestrating such a coup attempt. Anyway, the one behind it was no other but a man unofficially nicknamed Trickster by the FBI and Interpol. He is a guy that loves to wear a dark hood all the time, even in the summertime.

Usually cells lack lots of information on the other cells’ activities in order to not expose them just in case any of them might get arrested by the authorities. They even ignore how many groups will be working there at the same time or if they are supposed to hit several targets on the same day. Most of the time they learned about the others while watching the national news or the press conferences where some Chief of Police or an Special Agent make public declarations. Nonetheless, something weird happened with the surviving flight.

It seems the actual leaders of that terrorist movement had contacted a second group present there. Their mission was to thwart the first group’s quest at all costs, and they used the frustrated heroes by manipulating their feelings and convincing them of risk their lives. Neither the instigators nor the rest of the passengers had no reason to die anyway so why should the former do the dirty job themselves, right? Thus they had successfully allowed the federal agents to grab as much evidence as possible to convict the failed conspirators and center their attention on an old nuisance.

No member of this second cell ever claimed any authorship or hit the spotlight. That was what our contact and the rest of us first thought, but our undercover feline agent Misha had followed suspicious guy that once pay a visit to a mystical bar we think it should have been the inspiration for Melana the lunar brewmaster’s tavern in the Black Forest. At the bar he had made a troublesome confession while being drunk. It was so disturbing that the owner chose not to call the police. Only a few days after being informed of this unexpected meeting of hers, our target vanished in thin air. It would take us several weeks or even months to learn about his decease at a county prison where he allegedly took his own live. Yeah, how convenient!

We the Conspiracies Retold magazine strongly suspect that Trickster’s motives to guide the government’s steps by hand had to do with some failed job that costed him a lot of resources or even some precious time that growing scarce for him for some unknown reasons. Our informant suggested on several occasions during our talks at some secret location, which he or she had previously picked after carefully analyzing their connectivity and service level, that our main suspect deeply hated the construction tycoon since they first met and that failure mentioned above got rid of what was left of his patience.

Rumors spread by unconfirmed sources unveiled the possibility that Trickster had hidden several clues of his whereabouts while he was attending the board that we had covered on a previous issue of our bold magazine. So you better pay it a visit and download all of his old demos if still available online. Who knows if you might end up finding a carefully hidden clue on his current plans…

His next appearance was enigmatic indeed, Trickster visited a young girl we will dub Silly from now on for the sake of simplicity. He talked to her mother and made sure that she was autistic. Then he kidnapped her and the whole family went after them. Local authorities failed to locate them, yet, one day she was spotted walking down a lonely street on her own! Silly was unable to recollect any memories worth mentioning here as if she had gone through some overly complicated hypnotic therapy unknown to our experts.

By the way, about that time she began saying she would love to meet some drakes and become friends with them or even be turned into one by means of some mysterious magic spell.

Time has passed and we got to humbly admit we had lost his trail until some seemingly unrelated event took place in a strange village commonly known as Kustom Town. For the first time in years Trickster made a strange move, he went into the light on purpose. There he became some sort of superstar as he had abruptly announced in front of a crowd that he formally was one of several candidates running for the local mayor’s office that year.

Honestly, we have no slight idea why he cared about an insignificant town filled with a bunch of fools that now adore him as if he were a savior of sorts. Perhaps he had resorted to the same trick he used on our poor Silly to take control of their silly minds. And guess what? She had once told a friend of hers that she felt the strong need, the urge to vote for him. Just another coincidence…

According to Lani the bounty hunter, Alex still was the mayor at the time. One day she was commissioned to put him under arrest for fraud. He had supposedly fudged some numbers as a means to steal one hundred thousand gold pieces that the swordsman would later spend on building a nice home that looks like a real villa to us.

Before we could print the present number of our beloved magazine late at night, his lawyer reached us to let us know with a desperate tone of voice that the accusation was vile and totally baseless. The money had never disappeared and was directed to a previously approved project the town hall was fully aware of from the very beginning. The attorney viciously claimed that Trickster was the only person they could ever think off capable of coming up with such a devilish rumor that would unjustly stain his defendant’s honorability. After all it was the hooded villain the only one being benefited by Alex’s arrest for the rest of the candidates had no real choice of becoming elected.

Letters From Our Readers

As usual we happily publish what our readers commented on our previous issues. Please enjoy yourselves!

Dear Conspiracies Retold Magazine Investigative Team,

This is the second time I have to make this clear and I hope this will be the last time. Birds but especially parakeets are a real menace! And no, as a vegetarian werewolf I do not eat red meat, it just happens that I bite chicken because of all the terrible events I have witnessed in the last few decades that make me hate birds.

The assertion above also proves I would never ever dare to eat plain ramen for you are not supposed to do that! Personally I prefer to add chicken instead of the usual pork to my own ramen recipe. That is how I avenge all the people those pesky feathered monsters have tormented for so long.

A Werewolf from Fangtown, MD

An Open Editorial

The magazine team did not send another reply to the previous reader as to not bother him anymore, still, our sources do confirm that he secretly prepares plain ramen whenever he thinks he has eaten too much meat that week or month. We are glad to hear that he finally followed our friendly advice.

Good luck furry wolf!

Conspiracies Retold Team,

I took some time to write you a letter because of the way you exposed us the furmasons as some kind of evil organization. Let me tell you that you have misunderstood our vision and goals.

In my case I only want to extend the reach of metal and heavy metal music around the globe and I happen to have found incredible friends that not only share my passion for arts but also are members of the same splendid group I proudly partake in on a regular basis.

Our lodge sends you all our condolences for your feline agent’s departure. We truly ignore what has happened to her but rest assured that we will conduct our own internal investigation and surrender all the collected information to the corresponding authorities. Know for sure that we do believe in justice, my dear friends.

The ambassador of all foxes around the large globe

After reading his fuzzy letter, we felt we had no other choice but to send him a reply to make a few things clear. Things cannot be the way he had described them on it. Here we are reproducing its entire contents.

Dear foxy ambassador,

We the Conspiracies Retold Team usually skip writing a reply to our readers except for a few special cases, still, we are in need of declaring the truth here. Our whole team admits that that was not the only time that you have been under surveillance and because of it we know for sure that we cannot trust your ulterior motives.

Probably you would never agree to explain why our dear Puma had to lose her life at your lodge, yet, we would really appreciate if you could tell us anything on why she had to leave us that soon. What are you hiding? Is there any fellow member involved in her decease, no, her assassination?

By the way, we would thank you if you could elaborate a bit on your secret club’s the obsession with furs. Why are they so important to you?

Not so yours truly,

Conspiracies Retold Magazine

Please feel free to support
the Conspiracies Retold Investigative Team!

[kyonides]

Chapter Four

Candidate Trickster

This is an extremely rare occasion, dear readers of the Conspiracy Retold magazine. Seriously, we managed to get an interview with a shady politician that you might end up loving after reading this issue. Yes, it is the infamous Trickster who is currently running for Kustom Town’s mayoral office.

Reporter: First of all I want to thank you for coming today, Trickster.

Candidate Trickster: No problem, I’m here to satisfy people’s curiosity for it’s their right to know who I am and why I’d become their next mayor any time soon.

Reporter: Wow… What a positive attitude indeed! Anyway, let us begin this special interview with our audience’s opinion of you as an outsider in the political arena.

Trickster: Excuse me, there’s something I’m in need of correcting at once for clarity’s sake. I’m not exactly a newcomer. Most people ignore that I had helped the Democrat Party defeat Bush Sr. back in the day by coming up with methods to convince voters not to trust him ever again. And kaboom! He got no second term ever!

Reporter: So you are admitting right here and right now that you influenced the results of those elections. Is that correct!?

Trickster: You know, I hate to repeat myself so let’s just say I did.

Reporter: Amazing… Truly amazing, if we ever manage to confirm it.

Trickster: That uncaring statement offended me deeply but I’ll forgive you for I know that you will soon realize you’ve made a terrible mistake by casting unfounded doubts on my achievement here.

Reporter: No, no. You got it wrong. It’s just our duty to contrast politicians’ declaration almost on a daily basis, it was never meant to hurt your feelings.

Trickster: Your words don’t sound really convincing, yet, I’ll make an effort by trusting in your professionalism for the rest of this meeting.

Reporter: Thank you very much for your kindness, Trickster… Did you hate Bush Sr. by any chance? Why did you help the Democrats?

Trickster: Well, I certainly don’t for we all are part of the same team, fighting for the same basic goals. We all know that it’s in the best interest of the general public to help our own people in times of dire need. Right, it’s a well proven fact that we don’t always agree on the methods we’d pick to make them come true. That doesn’t automatically mean we strongly hate each other, we’re just being quite passionate about serving the people the best way we can.

Reporter: And that is an interesting description of the left and right wings of politics. How do you explain the way Hillary, Joe and Donald have treated each other? They do not look as if they were best pals ever…

Trickster: Come on! Don’t be naive! Where people claim there’s pure evil and hatred, you should only find mere disagreements. Just like in the old Roman circus, they badly needed to keep things alive or else public interest would soon dwindle for they’re unable to realize how important and complex some discussions actually are. You gotta repeat yourself or strike your opponent with the sharpest argument you can think off in order to force them to improve their skills and probably even convince them of stealing some of your own projects. Nonetheless, that’s just an illusion, they’re just realizing there was something in their plan that needed to be replaced with a better alternative.

Reporter: Trickster, I got to tell you that sounds terrific and people would definitely benefit from that perspective of yours. Still, that does not explain what you have been doing as of late while facing a fierce opposition from the other candidates, especially Alex…

Trickster: Alex you say? Please don’t make me laugh now!

At this point we make a break to let him get a sip of his favorite poison that he had bought at Melana’s Lunar Tavern before arriving at our prestigious magazine headquarters. It seemed to have calmed him down a little bit at least. After all we clearly had no intention of driving him crazy at that point of the interview.

Reporter: So did you buy that drink at that witch’s tavern before you left town to honor us with your presence today?

Trickster: First of all I gotta explain to you that she’s a dreamer and yes, I did. Contrary to people’s first impression, one solely based on Alex’s depiction of your servitor, I don’t mind supporting local business at any time. Cheers!

Reporter: There he is once again. Have you got any problems with Alex? Why do you look as if you truly despise him?

Trickster: People, I’ll make it crystal clear now for those who don’t really know him. He is a fool. The fool. Not Donald nor Joe but Alex and no one else on earth. He would sell you all out for a loaf of bread and some butter. Nope, I’m not abusing of a literary figure here, he actually wanted to trade you for such basic goods once.

Reporter: Really? It is hard to believe it right away. Can you prove it, Trickster? Otherwise you might wind up behind bars for…

Trickster: Of course I can. I wouldn’t have made such terrible claims if I weren’t able to prove them to you. Just wait for the next mayoral debate and you’ll learn a lot more of his illegal businesses. You’re gonna get some really big square eyes after being filled in with all the shady details of all of his negotiations and transactions.

Reporter: We will be paying attention to that eye catching event for sure. By the way, we also learned about a joke you made not long ago concerning face masks and…

Trickster: A joke? Who said I was even joking? Really, why would I?

Reporter: You were not!?

Trickster: Oh no, my friend. Let me now tell you that I wasn’t and I’ll never back off. He should wear a face mask for the rest of his lifetime, he’s a moron that doesn’t deserve to be heard by smart people like you. Don’t let him deceive you! He’s got no real opinion of his own, he’s just some real vermin spreading dangerous misinformation all around town.

This was the very same climax of this interview. Our investigative team did not want to look too aggressive at that point as to scare him away but we still felt the need to extract from him as much information as we could ever gather then in order to start our own investigation on these matters.

Reporter: Is he? Can you at least give us a single example of such misbehavior?

Trickster: Can I? Pffft. This is not a matter of being able of doing so, it’s a matter of you being ready to accept the horrible truth in a timely fashion. No, I seriously doubt any of you, including your beloved readers of the Conspiracies Retold magazine, will be able to handle the shocking truth about Alex even after watching the next debate.

Reporter: Even if your words were true, we still need you to throw us some bone we can chew until the mayoral debate finally takes place at the hall.

Trickster: You want one? I’m throwing you a bone right now and it’ll taste quite bitter indeed. The Black Royalty has chosen Alex to become its brainless puppet from the very beginning.

Reporter: OK, would you care to elaborate a bit more on that? Who is this royalty you have recently mentioned?

Trickster: Well, I’m talking about a very secretive group that knowledgeable people like your servitor call the Black Royalty. It actually plans to rule the whole world by screening and selecting their favorite candidates to become the next mayors or governors or presidents or even prime ministers. It’s not you the hard working voters who pick them but they’ve always done it on your behalf for the past two centuries at least. I’m convinced their lackeys even picked the movies you watch at the movie theaters. For instance Dalissa’s Battle Cry, directed by Wulfo and starred by Dalissa herself I think, is one of them, and I’m serious about this. Of course, that werewolf would also release a game based on his feature film later on.

Reporter: That sounds quite unbelievable as to take it seriously even here on Conspiracies Retold magazine.

Trickster: Your loss! This might be one of the most relevant discoveries of all times one day and deniers will pay the bloody price.

Reporter: Right as you wish, Trickster. Why don’t we focus on what brings us here today instead?

Trickster: You know, you’re definitely quite far away from being ready to swallow up any hard truth only thanks to the nefarious Black Royalty and Team Alex’s heavy indoctrination. Even so you might procure to listen to this and keep it in mind for your own good.

Reporter: I am inclined to think that our readers will really appreciate your gesture.

Trickster: Yeah, why wouldn’t they? I’m just the greatest thought leader they’d ever find out there after all and I’m just being modest here. Anyway Fred, I’ve told you all a while ago that I’d throw you a single bone but here’s bonus for your intrigued audience. I can guarantee you that it’s something any of you’d be able to fully understand on the blink of an eye or two.

Reporter: Now I am wondering what your next surprise will look like.

Trickster: Well, here it comes. Alex has already pledged his allegiance to a gang of monsters. Yes, you heard it clearly my adorable voters, to a horde of voracious monsters. That’s the saddening reality, that idiot you once trusted with your whole heart has mercilessly betrayed you behind the scenes. I don’t think we’ll ever be able to forgive him for what he’s done so far. It’s darn unacceptable.

Reporter: There is no way he could do that to Kustom Town. It is his hometown, he loves the place. Why would he contact them in the first place?

Trickster: You’re instantly underestimating him for he usually looks like a fool, walks like a fool and sounds like a fool. I can’t blame you for it, you’ve been blinded by the Kustom Swamp to think he’s totally incapable of committing treachery. Dear readers, please keep in mind that he pretended to be a valiant, skilled, and powerful swordsman before he decided that it was the right time for him to switch to politics without providing us with a good explanation on his sudden change of heart.

Reporter: Now I can tell you it was an incredibly mind blowing revelation.

Trickster: It wouldn’t be a bad time for you all to praise me for finally revealing his ulterior plans, you know. By the way, he didn’t come up with such a terrible plan on his own as you might have imagined by now. That would be impossible for such a blockhead, of course. In fact Alex just followed the Black Royalty’s script to the letter and had kept in touch with those sinister monsters after he had proclaimed that he had exterminated them long time ago.

Reporter: What a traitorous bastard he is! How did you find this out, Trickster? Were you afraid of becoming his target at any given time?

Trickster: He, he. I know you’d desperately love to hear more about this stuff, yet, I’m afraid to tell you that I do need to keep the best of it and the detailed explanations for the debate.

Reporter: It makes a lot of sense to me. Well, that would be all for this number, my friend Trickster. Thank you for coming today and illuminating us with your grandiose presence here at Conspiracies Retold headquarters.

Trickster: You’re all welcome, my faithful followers and my new partisans. See you all at the mayoral debate! Believe me when I tell you that you’re gonna feel the liberation and ecstasy there, my dear voters and free press!

This article has been brought to you by Save Point’s Fifth National Bank. Your gaming associate at your service. Go open your account today and feel free to partake in the SP Lotto at any time!

To be continued depending on online censorship