Kyonides and His One Shots

[kyonides]

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Kyonides and His One Shots

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First Story

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Schrödinger and His Cat

By Kyonides

“Let me introduce myself, my dear volunteers, I’m Cecil Schrödinger, a well known physics magician. At your service!” the man said at a slow pace.

His assistant Jade soon brought a medium sized box, it seemed to be sort of heavy for a woman. Three youngsters stared at it waiting for the moment when their host would finally reveal his true intentions. By the way, he had a very suspicious smirk on his face.

“Oh, take a look at that box! So what’s next?” a male asked Mr. Schrödinger in no time after he noticed the scientist was about to conduct an experiment of sorts.

“Next? Err, let’s say I first need to explain our current situation in order to give you a real chance to solve this mystery… some day I guess” a nervous Cecil replied.

“Isn’t it obvious by now?” some unknown girl commented after getting close to the box. “He’s gonna check whether or not his cat is alive. Ain’t I right, Mr. Quantum?”

The self proclaimed physics magician did not even open his mouth, he simply preferred to keep smiling like any mad scientist ever would.

“Fine, we gotta find out if the cat is already dead so what are we waiting for, guys?” another male tried to motivate his pals to take action at once.

Cecil had finally assembled his three test subjects, two males and a girl. Unbeknownst to them he had nicknamed them Survivor, Victim and Variable. His assistant chuckled right after reading the weird notes written on his documents.

“Very well, who’s going to open the cage then?” the alleged expert inquired of them.

“Let me do it!” the female Variable yelled while her heart was beating at a fast pace.

She lifted the lid only to find out the terrible truth behind the inhumane experiment.

"Wait a second!” she cried out loud. “It’s empty! How dare you, darn liar!”

His audience felt that he simply played mind games and were about to hit him really hard indeed. Even the assistant was afraid of them. For his very own sake, he had to do something and be fast.

“Hold on!” he commanded. “Is it really empty? Why don’t you double check it first, my dear?”

The girl unwillingly listened to him and took a second look at the cage. What a surprise! He was right after all for there was a note inside. It explained how he hates cats so there was no possibility he would get close to such a pesky animal.

“Now it’s about time I reveal what has actually transpired here, my beloved audience” the trickster uttered as if there was a big secret they completely ignored.

By waving his hand, he informed his assistant she had to bring his hidden notes on the weird experiment. There were a total of three sets of notes, as well as three lists of participants with their corresponding signatures stamped on them. For unknown reasons he still kept their strange nicknames a top secret taking Jade by surprise.

“Why don’t you read the names of the partakers?” Cecil suggested. “You might find it very intriguing indeed.”

Once again he had impressed them like nobody else ever could in their whole lives. How could they have opened the cage three times without ever thinking a deja vù was taking place right then. Still, they had signed the sheets three times in a row.

“Let me tell you what actually happened here, my young friends” Mr. Schrödinger spoke. “The other two notes and lists don’t belong to this reality at all. I mean, they came from different realities where other versions of yourselves actually live their lives as if nothing weird had ever happened until they paid a visit to our humble stand.”

“But… how do you explain that all three notes handle about a different excuse why you’ve never caught a cat for this nonsensical experiment?” the girl exploded in disbelief.

“That’s an easy one indeed!” the so called scientist stated. “There are three different physics magicians in these interconnected worlds and only your servitor is allergic to cats. Actually I was totally unaware of this fact till last month where Patches the cat princess cared to visit this busy man at my secret lab. I’ve gotten a terrible rash for a couple of weeks, you know.”

“OK, forget about that and tell us what’s the real purpose of this farce is and do it quickly!” the first male ordered with his fiery eyes.

“My, my!” he mumbled before continuing. “It’s not hard to understand at all, I’ve just proven how it’s impossible to ever find a dead cat or a living bag of fleas inside. The whole theory is a big lie, yet, you wouldn’t believe me if I hadn’t fooled you before. My sincere apologies, my dear friends.”

“You bast-” the second male got interrupted.

“Wait a moment, my dear spectator!” Mr. Schrödinger shouted at once. “My intentions were good from the very beginning for I only wanted you to learn how you can detect a lie in no time: by going straight to the source! Once you’ve done that, there’s no way a school teacher or even a government can fool you ever again.”

“Because our instincts would quickly realize they’re playing a prank on us, I guess” the first male explained all of sudden.

“Bingo, my dear pupil! You got it right!” Cecil praised his best student in public.

After everybody else had left the fair, the physics magician opened the door of his gray van. He picked some strange necklace and could not stop glaring at it like a mad man.

“I couldn’t have made it without you, my shiny black memento!” the absorbed guy thanked it for its precious help then. “You’re truly are a powerful artifact indeed!”

“Boss, did you say anything? I couldn’t hear you because of all that nasty noise” his beautiful assistant told him out of the blue.

The End

[kyonides]

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Second Story

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The Revived Round Table

By Kyonides

Thunder. Electricity. A bothersome blackout. The office of a global leader had to be lit by several candles. Suddenly an usual visitor opened the future prime minister’s window that night. It had black feathers, a dark beak and what is the most important thing of all, it had a sinister motive.

“What are you, winged beast? What’s an animal doing here?” the politician inquired of his unexpected guest.

“Duh! Isn’t it obvious? Or are you telling me you’re blind and stupid?” the bird replied with its own set of questions.

“Huh? Are you telling me you’re the bird that had paid a visit to the crazed poet?” Mr. Higgins asked him in no time.

“That’s not for you to know, you moron!” the angry invader reacted.

By the way, my readers, this is exactly the point where the security guards entered the room to catch a spy hidden in a secret closet, the very same that had been used long time before to fool attackers in times of turmoil or unjustified rebellion.

“Now it’s obvious you’ve still got a lot to learn before ruling this land, my pupil” the raven commented showing his disappointment.

“What should we do with him, sir?” one of the guards questioned then.

“Err, take him to a cell, and make him talk one way or another” the next prime minister determined.

“What a fool! Who ever said you were their master at all?” the proud bird made a weird revelation. “I’m not scared of a pathetic wretch who foolishly thought that he had even a slight chance to kill this puppet of mine in my presence. Now be quick and behead him right where my other servants can see him die miserably!”

“Now I’ve come to realize how merciful you’ve been with your servitor” the so called leader of the nation confessed out of the blue.

“I’m the real deal here, it just happened you’re a slowpoke and preferred to ignore me the whole time, you know” the raven told him with a eerie tone. “Or else you’d have opened the window for me and serve me some fresh meat like eyeballs. Damn it! I love eyeballs for sure!”

“That’s not… true, I just couldn’t believe that-” the man answered before being interrupted.

“Cut the crap right away or I’ll peck you in your eye right here, right now!” the black bird commanded out of rage. “Darn idiot! How dare you enrage me like this with your petty excuses?”

“Perhaps we’d bring you the spy’s eyeballs as an offering…” the prime minister suggested.

“Don’t ever insult me ever again, you bloody bastard!” the raven yelled waving his wings furiously.

“Pardon me for not being wise enough as to come up with better ideas, it’s just that my mind can’t handle all of this pressure” the servant uttered.

“Obviously, my dear puppet! It’s your feathered benefactor here the only one ever capable of making you rise to a position of great power and everlasting glory!” the animal boasted of his amazing gifts.

The desperate Mr. Higgins realized he was screwed and bowed to the raven after a few moments. It was then that their dark pact was confirmed. From that moment on, he should simply follow the raven’s orders to the letter. And yes, the damned politician should also let him speak on his behalf if deemed necessary.

“Don’t feel bad about this, my petty servant!” the master tried to comfort him a little bit. “The time will come when you’ll be able to see me face to face, but first you got to convince the other nine knights of mine of the need to revive the Round Table once again.”

“When will that day come, my dark lord?” a surprised Higgins wanted to find out.

“The prince of Wales has announced my existence” the raven explained. “It took place during the climate conference as per my request, now all of the world leaders should be fully aware of the fact that I’m serious this time and ready to assume the global leadership this world has been secretly asking for since the days of my predecessor Nimrod.”

No matter how talkative the animal was, the future prime minister was still confused about his role in the future world. What would he get from all of it? Was a plethora of power and riches waiting for him anywhere as he had always dreamed about for decades as a political activist?

“Didn’t I tell you that you had to stop thinking such nonsense? Did I?” his evil lord rebuked him. “Now listen to me very carefully, silly boy. Make sure all of my ten servants get ready to give all of their power and strength to your beloved master at the next United Nations general assembly.”

“Yes, my dark lord! Your bidding will be done in no time, I can guarantee!” his knight promised.

“So be it! Yet, be careful, my friend” the raven warned him. “For I’m failure intolerant, if you know what I mean by that.”

“Of course I do, my master! It’s crystal clear” the scared prime minister responded.

Not long after his visitor had left the building, the power supply had returned to the whole building. There was no trace of thunderbolts around as if the winged animal had made them disappear at will. Mr. Higgins was convinced of his need to get all of the knights ready to receive their dark lord at the next assembly with all the power and glory he claimed that he had always deserved since time immemorial.

The End?

[kyonides]

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Third Story

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Lost Friends and Unforgiving Pursuers

by Kyonides

Dear helpful hands of mine,

Time has not forgiven me for I have stayed away from my friends for over a decade. I cannot pay them a visit or else I might lead my pursuers and kidnappers straight to their homes or workplaces. The time will come when I will have to deal with one group or another but right now I can only fear I would make a terrible choice. Would it be due to lack of wisdom? Or lack of any useful connections here? You tell me, I've been trying to get rid of my doubtful nature for so long that I am growing extremely tired. I always end up feeling lonely desperate.

I just hope this is just one of those pesky illusions that will eventually fade...

Yours truly,

the battery

[kyonides]

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Fourth Story

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What Actually Happens to the Moon and the Stars

by Kyonides

You might have read a hideous author's hypothesis by now and that makes me worry about your wellbeing indeed. How did you take him seriously? It's impossible no matter how much you fiddle with those crazy ideas!

Stars laugh at the moon the whole time! They don't care about a satellite that gets nudged by envious travellers that mimic her orbit only to get bored and leave the solar system as soon as possible.

Poor moon! She has got used to bullying ever since she was born. Every so often she had to endure the stars' piercing attacks for millennia. Gladly they haven't sent any nuclear bomb her way as of yet!

The sun has tried to cheer her up to no avail, she is growing colder and colder every minute that passes. Will she retaliate against the earth? You might think it is highly unlikely but it might happen some day. Fine, let us say that is not even possible. Nonetheless, we got to convince her of denouncing all of those pesky abusers at once. Yes, I realize we will have a hard time making her wake up and realize she has no good reason to live as a helpless victim for the rest of her live.

In their defense, stars have claimed as of recent that she is a hypocrite and is hiding something from both the sun and the earth. What are they all blabbing about now!?

Vagabond satellite Galileo on the Moon's current state, Year 2052

[kyonides]

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Fifth Story

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A Short Odyssey

Written by Kyonides

Back in the days or perhaps in 2005, there was a young wannabe hero called Aluxes Akage who had a big dream. He would be famous enough as to found his own company of heroic explorers that would help him expand his glorious kingdom. Then one day it would stretch from the eastern sea to the far western coasts of the known world.

There was no problem he could not solve, no error he could not correct just in time. Well, except for the fact that the day had come when he simply trashed his real name and started calling himself Alex Crimson. The very few that ever dared to ask him about the origin of his nickname regretted it, they had heard him say that crim meant red and just added the suffix son as his way to claim he was the son of the red (sun?). At the end nobody knew for certain whether he was proud of his ancient Asian heritage or not.

A new morning had begun. Our friend Alex woke up, washed his face leaving his hair practically untouched and uncombed. Later he picked some soba for breakfast just because.

“I won’t miss this dish for I’ll be traveling all around the world dating their beautiful women and tasting their delicious food” he exclaimed as if he badly needed some convincing to finally get out of his paternal home.

Out of the blue a man knocked on his door. Aluxes had no intention to open it ever for he knew very well who that guy was, the blacksmith that had carved a wooden sword as per his request. Oh and poor Akage had forgotten to mention he had no single copper coin left in his pockets. So there was no other choice but opening his bedroom’s window and climb down the wall while trying to remain silent the whole time.

Instead of leaving town for good, he waited until the blacksmith had returned back home and picked the wooden sword once he had confirmed that his good friend had left the weapon at the workshop. Do not ever think Alex would dare to steal such a thing ever! He was just picking up what was rightfully his from the very beginning.

What a fateful day it was when he had finally reached the outskirts! Akage seemed to rejoice, feeling the urge to start his heroic venture at once. Fame and riches and even lots of cute girls were right there for the grabs!

“Seriously, for many years I had no idea what regret actually meant till the day I met him” once stated his closest friend Basil Lancet.

Nope, do not even feel bad if you do not understand what he was talking about. In fact, not even Basil did for he was still processing all of their misadventures in his troubled head.

“I can still recall the day when I was assigned to babysit a darn noble girl that thought it was cute to see her little dinosaur like pet go for walk and enter that darn cave!” the young lancer told us.

What happened next is mostly unclear due to his partial amnesia, but there he was. Some young man that kept calling himself an experienced adventurer wielding a wooden sword but no buckler. And who was that candid girl with such a lousy pet? Guess what? She was a blondie named Gloria Holywaters and she would be forced by her evil parents to train as a cleric at the end of that long forgotten summer.

At first neither Alex nor Basil ever understood why she would ever hate her family until they heard some terrible truth that Gloria herself had just recently heard about.

“It’s because of my teacher. How the hell... Pardon me for cursing” Mrs. Holywaters continued. “How could they ever pick Hilda Maier the Purple as my personal teacher at the academy!? She’s a witch! How could they simply ignore that? Was it that hard just to let the principal pick a teacher for me on their own?”

Here it is where the story goes awry. The three of them had entered the cavern while pursuing Lady Gloria’s obnoxious pet and failed to notice there was a lizard calmly laying on the ground. Well, being honest with you, it was not a simple lizard but a salamander!

Of course Aluxes made his only attempt to defend her with his sword, only to watch how it burned like charcoal. At the same time his buddy Basil was growing desperate for he had not felt the need to carry his heavy spear to protect the young lady. Excluding its small blade at one end, the staff would have vanished just a few seconds after Akage’s weapon had been reduced to ashes. Everything looked quite ugly, as if they were not supposed to ever tell their saddening tale at the nearest tavern later that evening.

Do you remember that Hilda the Purple was Lady Holywaters’s teacher? I guess they were lucky to find out that while they all had closed their eyes waiting for the inevitable, dear Hilda saved the day! As curious as it sounds, that witch has never revealed a single piece of information on how exactly did she get rid of such a fiery opponent in a matter of minutes.

Yes, my dear readers, I know very well that she is a famous wizard or sort of, yet, that does not explain how she could have ever defeated such a powerful foe with such an ease. How weird!

Even as this story has come to its rightful end, I have to question myself how both Alex and Basil are faring as of late. You see, young Gloria and her teacher are now busy working hard at the magic academy the Holywaters family had handpicked for their precious daughter. This means that we had lost all contact with those two male adventurers ever since. I just hope they are not resting in peace already…

The End...

Hopefully!

[kyonides]

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Sixth Story

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Federal Bureau of Instigation

The Oneshot

Written by Kyonides

Welcome to my lair, dear guests! I mean, my dear office with this comfortable black chair you can see here. True, you cannot see me right now. Let me turn around quickly so you can take a look at my glorious face. Done. Now it is way better indeed. Oh and I hope you don’t mind if I keep playing with my very expensive pen for a little while.

Greetings! I am your undisputed host Special Advisory Agent Trickster. You should know that I have been working in this place for over two decades, and I have made many famous arrests during my tenure. They allowed me to get promoted to my current position. Yes, guys, I am really enjoying it.

Now lets talk business. Today you will learn all about my job right here at the well known Federal Bureau of Instigation, err, Bureau of Investigation I should have said instead.

Don’t mind my sudden slips, my friends. It just happens that I am quite anxious this very same day, the day when I will finally save our beloved nation from a domestic threat that has kept bugging us for years. No, people, it is not that infamous billionaire, owner of a laughable golf course in sunny Florida. I am talking about a totally different menace here.

As a brief summary I will let you know a secret, his real identity. Currently he classifies himself as a werewolf hybrid of sorts. And yes, this is one of multiple reasons why we cannot trust his furry judgment even a split second. Be ready for this awful revelation.

His name? Wulfo Randolph. Age 75, height unknown. Significant other? A girl only known as Amelia Sailmoon, yet, my findings led me to suspect he has been paying frequent visits to another woman, namely Katt “Patches” Fursome. Pets, as many as the stars you can see in the sky at night. Fleas, got to be around billions, no, trillions of them.

I suppose that by now you might be asking yourself why is the whole section behind that stinky furball. And you know, that is a valid question. As valid as wondering if it is convenient for our nation to keep our current president in office for another six years. Don’t worry about that! We got it covered.

Fine. Pay attention now, my friends. He had become our target the day he had received a letter from an illegal immigrant posing as our former First Lady. According to our investigation, we learned that she had chosen him for a secret mission. Unfortunately, the letter did not elaborate on the details pertaining that dangerous quest of his except for one. The date printed on it is October 31st.

Based on the reports of our Russian CHS Wagner, a very close associate of his, the beast is going to meet with a girl in her twenties nicknamed Silly on that very same fateful day. The location will be a elitist restaurant where the President’s son will be attending a Halloween party after his father’s address to the nation that will take place earlier that day.

Our agents found out that she loves the witchy festivity and thus, she will be used as a diversion by that filthy paws guy. During the event they will steal a laptop and claim it had been left behind at a repair shop before selling it to some obnoxious right wing extremist news media we all love to hate to the very bottom of our cosmopolitan hearts. I know, my friends. It is quite stupid, even simplistic and a very childish tactic in my humble opinion, still, that is exactly his current modus operandi.

I am deeply sorry for this but I do need to take this call now. For the meanwhile, tell me the truth, you adore my red telephone, don’t you? Yes, I knew it. You cannot hide anything from me, he, he. Even so it is not as great as my Elyn Zimmerman’s The World Trade Center Memorial hanging at my back.

“Special Advisory Agent Trickster speaking”, I continued. “Oh it is you, Agent McCormick. How is Operation Pizza Guy going on? I really expect a lot from you and your local team.”

“Well, boss, you see, we failed to open the darn door as planned”, the nervous agent informed me.

“Why did it fail?”, I had to ask right away. “The plan outlined by our expert profiler could not have failed miserably ever!”

“The thing is, boss, that he’s vegetarian so he’ll never grab a single slice of our anchovy pizza”, McCormick elaborated on the reason then.

“Of course he would not! I told you to pick a Hawaiian pizza from the very beginning. How is it possible that you could not get one in the surrounding area?”, I inquired of the agent.

“Hey boss! It’s not what you think. It was that darn Cheesy James’s fault! He ate the last ingredients of the Hawaiian pizza as per Big Furry’s request”, the troubled agent confessed in the blink of an eye.

“Did you say Cheese James? Why does that name sound quite familiar now?”, I asked him.

“That’s not surprising at all, after some research we discovered that some guy named Kyonides had sent him in a quest for smuggling lots of Marylander’s birch beer reserves back in January 6th”, the lead agent filled me in on the details. “All of it while we got distracted by the revolt at Capitol Hill.”

“So those terrorists made a comeback after a long hiatus!”, I uttered. “Keep an eye on their next movements. Nonetheless, don’t let him stay at home. Proceed to the next phase. Call his boss if deemed necessary. The time has come to exploit his workaholic nature by all means possible. Did you hear me, Agent McCormick?”

“Yes, boss! I’m on my way!”, he yelled before hanging up.

This petty criminal keeps avoiding my pet agents for the time being. What a pest!

Don’t worry, my captive audience! This is just a minor setback at best, one that we will overcome in half and hour or so. Be certain that we will never let that major threat disturb public peace for another year or month! His days are numbered. His accolades will be captured. Even gazillion of his fleas will flee away from him sooner or later. Now mark my words for posterity, I swear it by my other famous painting, namely my unforgettable Judith Beheading Holofernes!

The End... for the time being that is!

[kyonides]

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Seventh Story

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They Keep Coming For More!

Written by Kyonides

"Boss, we've got a problem!", the young guy suddenly uttered.

"What makes you think we've got a problem? You're the one that'll get fired if you don't do something to fix it", the old guy replied.

"Huh? How am I supposed to solve it on my own?", the employee disagreed. "I do need lots of help here, boss!"

"Nope, you're just getting your ass kicked by yours truly if you don't move that ass and start doing your job!", the team lead intervened.

"Agreed!", the pissed off boss commented at once.

Now my friends, tell me if you know how to ever solve this problem of his.

There are like hundreds of customers that keep slipping into the virtual store's website in a fashion that is very similar to those days where Black Friday or Cyber Monday are taking place. He finishes helping a single patron but ten or even twenty soon replace him or her. How could he deal with all of their issues on his own?

What about the rest of the employees you ask? Well, that is a whole different story for sure. Let us suffice to say that they are enjoying their badly needed coffee break... that will last for over an hour today. And nope, his boss is a real slave trader that will not move a finger unless he is getting complains, all of them filed against our suffering clerk of course.

Didn't I tell you this before? He also has to assist real customers at the local store. All of these things at the same time. Oh and he is not allowed to even grab a single cup of coffee.

"No, that's not true, man!", the young employee complained. "I do drink some coffee. Yes, I gotta be careful enough as not to be spotted by my benevolent boss, but I still get one every so often."

If by every so often he means like once every other week, then he is definitely right about that. Meanwhile, his coworkers can spend lots of money on that beverage and many others. Heck, one of them actually got a raise just after making her first five sales. That or the boss is trying to hit on her any time soon...

Finally, our heroic clerk got a great idea that will make it way easier for him to assist all of his customers in a timely fashion.

"People, listen to me!", the young man addressed the noisy crowd. "The ones that needs support on Maker issues will go first. Those of you that have come with your inquiries on officially sanctioned console emulators will come next."

He made it! Surprisingly, he caused the multitude of customers to ask each other if they even knew what he was talking about. Thus, he was finally able to take a break. Isn't it great? Isn't gaming life the best?

Not quite. Soon a teenager came along with a very peculiar request. What was it all about?

"Sir, I need you to make a script that allows my character to earn as much gold as possible", the kiddo made his request.

"Alright, that sounds feasible to me!", our unnamed clerk asserted then.

"No, no! You got it wrong! It doesn't end up there", the young customer stated, adding. "This should only be possible if they have reached like level 27 and have found the Indestructible Gold Coin of Ararat before midnight after they started playing my game."

"Wow! Slow it down, young boy!", the employee exclaimed then. "You're not asking for a single and simple script here but for some sort of common event and also a custom clock script of sorts. When do you ever think you'd be finally getting that product of ours?"

"Now that you mention it, I demand it to be finished by this very same evening", the requestor informed him.

Our clerk had to make things clear, "How foolish! There's no way we could manage to get it all done by this weekend."

"Why not?", the boy inquired of him. "You've got nothing better to do here."

That was mind blowing indeed, still, the hardworking man had a trump card ready in his pocket for this kind of situations.

"I see, young boy", the clerk voiced. "Then you gotta be aware of the fact that you'd need to pay another forty dollars to get to the top 50 of our list. Upfront."

"Oh no, no!", the customer quickly reacted. "My budget can't exceed its ten-buck limit!"

"And that means that you can come back on Monday and see if we got there by then", the employee of the month let him know. "Here's your receipt. Have a nice gaming weekend!"

Here comes the next patron with a terrible face.

"Hi...", the girl said without lifting his sight even for a single moment. "I want you to fix me this script that I've found online. Please do it, sir!"

"Fine, let me take a look at it for you", the compassionate employee promised her.

Perhaps he should have refrained from doing so. It was an amateur's script made like over a decade ago.

"Do you realize that this is some low quality work at best, young girl?", the clerk had to ask her.

"Yes, I know", she painfully admitted. "But I've been working on my game based on this script's capabilities and it's impossible for me to go grab another one that might be full of totally unknown bugs I can't handle on my own."

"Girl, I can easily tell you gotta have fallen in love with these bugs of yours for sure!" the man made his sarcastic remark of the day.

This was the story of a poor clerk that had no other choice but to use all of the tricks he could think off to survive another day at his workplace. If you never felt identified with this guy at all during the whole recount of his recent experiences, feel free to relax now. Simply make sure you never underestimate the real value of your hard work. Or they will see you as a vending machine spewing drops of wisdom or free resources like crazy. Just saying.

The End!?