Eric and the Gazebo

[DerVVulfman]

As related by Richard Aronson (aronson@sierratel.com)

ERIC and the GAZEBO

Let us cast our minds back to the early days of fantasy role-playing... In the 1970's, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game," and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson, a veritable giant of a man. This story is essentially true: I knew both Ed and Eric, and neither denies it (although Eric, for reasons that will become apparent, never repeats it).

The gist of it is tht Eric... well, you will need a bit more about Eric.

Eric comes quite close to being a computer. When he games, he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimum solution. It has been known to take weeks.

He is otherwise in all respects a superior gamer, and I;ve spent many happy hours competing with and against him. "Even today, if any player in our group takes an unreasonably long time to decide what to do, he draws calls of "Hurry up, Eric." (So if you imagine pauses for any Eric response, with the word pause, you'll have the flow down pat.)

Ed, on the other hand, is very quick witted, of the general school that if you do the wrong thing quickly it may work out better than the right thing slowly.

His pauses were usually signs that players were asking something very important or unbelievably unimportant.*

So... Eric was playing a neutral paladin (Why should only lawful good religons get to have holy warriors? was the rationale) in Ed's game.

He had a holy sword, which fought well and did all those things holy swords are supposed to do, including detect good or evil (by random die rolls). He was exploring some lord's lands when the following exchange occurred:

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ED:

You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.

ERIC:

A gazebo? What color is it?

ED:

(Pause) It's white, Eric.

ERIC:

How far away is it?

ED:

About 50 yards.

ERIC:

How big is it?

ED:

(Pause) It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.

ERIC:

I use my sword to detect good on it.

ED:

It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.

ERIC:

(Pause) I call out to it.

ED:

It won't answer. It's a gazebo.

ERIC:

(Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?

ED:

No, Eric, it's a gazebo!

ERIC:

I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit). What happened?

ED:

There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.

ERIC:

(Pause) Wasn't it wounded?

ED:

OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!

ERIC:

(Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow!

ED:

It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's a @#$%!! gazebo!

ERIC:

(Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.

ED:

(Thoroughly frustrated) It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.

ERIC:

(Reaching for his dice) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my Paladin.

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At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members resotred a modicum of order by explaining what a gazebo is.

This is soley an afterthought, of course, but Eric is doubly lucky that the gazebo was not situated on a grassy knoll.