DOOMED FROM THE BEGINNING - Parts 1 - 4

[DerVVulfman]

Trust me guys, I didn't come up with this.
I got this from a comic about guys playing pen-n-paper RPG games.

DOOMED FROM THE BEGINNING
PART 1
by Introbulus

First, to properly enjoy this story, you need to know a few things.

1. This was my first DnD campaign ever, so I had no idea what to expect.

2. Our party consisted of the following characters:

*A female paladin with a fairly large knife in her chest from the very first battle ever had (one that I unfortunately missed)

*A Samurai (Samurai class and everything) who would, eventually, commit seppuku when he could not defend his homeland. (A sad tale, but not one I will list here.)

*A Gnomish Rogue, who my own character hated intensely for doing my job far, far better than I ever could

*A sorcerer, who would eventually become plot-relevant

*A dwarven Cleric, complete with beer-soaked beard

*Me, a halfling rogue with way too much confidence

Our first session involved raiding a bandit camp to save a girl who may or may not have been the mayor’s daughter (and who would become the cohort for our Paladin). Then we headed South, and along the way, were attacked by a raiding party of goblins. There were very typical goblins and, by all accounts, we should have mopped the floor with them.

Our Paladin could not hit a goblin to save her life, and I couldn’t even get close enough to attack any of them. The DM saw that we were going to die if he let them actually flank our party, so rather than let this happen, he made the goblins very, very stupid. These goblins, you see, were wielding weapons designed for medium-sized creatures, and coming at us through a passage that was just big enough for a goblin, but not big enough for them AND their large weapons.

The goblins, like raccoons trying to get honey out of a log, would not lower their weapons, and proceeded to clumsily amble towards us.

But we were still losing, literally rolling natural 1s over and over, stumbling over each other like fools.

And then a rock came down, out of nowhere, and crushed half the goblins.

The deity of our cleric, St. Cuthberg, spoke directly to us.

DM (St. Cuthberg): You have a great destiny to uphold, but while I was looking down upon my cleric, I realized that you all suck! So I had to help you beat these puny goblins. I hope you’re happy.

And that is how our DM had to bail us out on a random encounter, that we, by all rights, should’ve won easily.

Oh, and my Halfling was at negative HP by the end of the fight. This was the second time this had happened during the campaign. Keep this in mind.

End of Part 1