Kyonides and His One Shots

[kyonides]

---

Sixth Story

---

Federal Bureau of Instigation

The Oneshot

Written by Kyonides

Welcome to my lair, dear guests! I mean, my dear office with this comfortable black chair you can see here. True, you cannot see me right now. Let me turn around quickly so you can take a look at my glorious face. Done. Now it is way better indeed. Oh and I hope you don’t mind if I keep playing with my very expensive pen for a little while.

Greetings! I am your undisputed host Special Advisory Agent Trickster. You should know that I have been working in this place for over two decades, and I have made many famous arrests during my tenure. They allowed me to get promoted to my current position. Yes, guys, I am really enjoying it.

Now lets talk business. Today you will learn all about my job right here at the well known Federal Bureau of Instigation, err, Bureau of Investigation I should have said instead.

Don’t mind my sudden slips, my friends. It just happens that I am quite anxious this very same day, the day when I will finally save our beloved nation from a domestic threat that has kept bugging us for years. No, people, it is not that infamous billionaire, owner of a laughable golf course in sunny Florida. I am talking about a totally different menace here.

As a brief summary I will let you know a secret, his real identity. Currently he classifies himself as a werewolf hybrid of sorts. And yes, this is one of multiple reasons why we cannot trust his furry judgment even a split second. Be ready for this awful revelation.

His name? Wulfo Randolph. Age 75, height unknown. Significant other? A girl only known as Amelia Sailmoon, yet, my findings led me to suspect he has been paying frequent visits to another woman, namely Katt “Patches” Fursome. Pets, as many as the stars you can see in the sky at night. Fleas, got to be around billions, no, trillions of them.

I suppose that by now you might be asking yourself why is the whole section behind that stinky furball. And you know, that is a valid question. As valid as wondering if it is convenient for our nation to keep our current president in office for another six years. Don’t worry about that! We got it covered.

Fine. Pay attention now, my friends. He had become our target the day he had received a letter from an illegal immigrant posing as our former First Lady. According to our investigation, we learned that she had chosen him for a secret mission. Unfortunately, the letter did not elaborate on the details pertaining that dangerous quest of his except for one. The date printed on it is October 31st.

Based on the reports of our Russian CHS Wagner, a very close associate of his, the beast is going to meet with a girl in her twenties nicknamed Silly on that very same fateful day. The location will be a elitist restaurant where the President’s son will be attending a Halloween party after his father’s address to the nation that will take place earlier that day.

Our agents found out that she loves the witchy festivity and thus, she will be used as a diversion by that filthy paws guy. During the event they will steal a laptop and claim it had been left behind at a repair shop before selling it to some obnoxious right wing extremist news media we all love to hate to the very bottom of our cosmopolitan hearts. I know, my friends. It is quite stupid, even simplistic and a very childish tactic in my humble opinion, still, that is exactly his current modus operandi.

I am deeply sorry for this but I do need to take this call now. For the meanwhile, tell me the truth, you adore my red telephone, don’t you? Yes, I knew it. You cannot hide anything from me, he, he. Even so it is not as great as my Elyn Zimmerman’s The World Trade Center Memorial hanging at my back.

“Special Advisory Agent Trickster speaking”, I continued. “Oh it is you, Agent McCormick. How is Operation Pizza Guy going on? I really expect a lot from you and your local team.”

“Well, boss, you see, we failed to open the darn door as planned”, the nervous agent informed me.

“Why did it fail?”, I had to ask right away. “The plan outlined by our expert profiler could not have failed miserably ever!”

“The thing is, boss, that he’s vegetarian so he’ll never grab a single slice of our anchovy pizza”, McCormick elaborated on the reason then.

“Of course he would not! I told you to pick a Hawaiian pizza from the very beginning. How is it possible that you could not get one in the surrounding area?”, I inquired of the agent.

“Hey boss! It’s not what you think. It was that darn Cheesy James’s fault! He ate the last ingredients of the Hawaiian pizza as per Big Furry’s request”, the troubled agent confessed in the blink of an eye.

“Did you say Cheese James? Why does that name sound quite familiar now?”, I asked him.

“That’s not surprising at all, after some research we discovered that some guy named Kyonides had sent him in a quest for smuggling lots of Marylander’s birch beer reserves back in January 6th”, the lead agent filled me in on the details. “All of it while we got distracted by the revolt at Capitol Hill.”

“So those terrorists made a comeback after a long hiatus!”, I uttered. “Keep an eye on their next movements. Nonetheless, don’t let him stay at home. Proceed to the next phase. Call his boss if deemed necessary. The time has come to exploit his workaholic nature by all means possible. Did you hear me, Agent McCormick?”

“Yes, boss! I’m on my way!”, he yelled before hanging up.

This petty criminal keeps avoiding my pet agents for the time being. What a pest!

Don’t worry, my captive audience! This is just a minor setback at best, one that we will overcome in half and hour or so. Be certain that we will never let that major threat disturb public peace for another year or month! His days are numbered. His accolades will be captured. Even gazillion of his fleas will flee away from him sooner or later. Now mark my words for posterity, I swear it by my other famous painting, namely my unforgettable Judith Beheading Holofernes!

The End... for the time being that is!