DISTRACTION

[DerVVulfman]

Trust me guys, I didn't come up with this.
I got this from a website recounting pen-n-paper RPG stories.
Unfortunately, no names were attributed.

DISTRACTION

Our DM allowed gunpowder.  This certainly can't go wrong.

I'm an engineer, playing an artifer (a D&D Engineer).

"If a rifle does X damage with Y powder then a cannon does 1000x damage with 1000y powder." Oops! Hahahaha!!!  We built a cannon into the frame of a wagon and terrorized everything the DM threw at us.

Yes!

And then I got to create the first magic golem drone thing.

After the first mistake with the cannon, the DM was very careful to define what could and could NOT be done. "You can't have anything bigger than 3ft tall, or heavier than 50lbs. It can't be super strong or have any magical powers beyond following simple programming and commands."

That lead to the creation of 'Distraction'.

The golem wasn't some vaguely humanoid blob of clay or wood, it was a blacksmithed steel skeleton with working joints, limbs, hands, etc. And it was made to look human by the addition of fuel soaked rags that built up the limbs in place of flesh. A few bits of sodium metal ensured it had to be carried everywhere submerged in a fuel filled sack/saddlebag to keep it from bursting into flames.

When attacked or confronted, everyone else would limber up their various weapons, while my weak character would just cut the strings holding the bag to the saddle and step back.

When the bag hit the dirt, 'Distraction' would wake up and start the program. First it moved around inside the bag calling out "Mommy? Mommy?" before thrusting a clawed hand through the wall of the bag and emerging.

And promptly BURSTING INTO FLAMES!

THE HELL IS THIS CREATION!?!?

Things went downhill rapidly after that as it let out a manshee scream and charged towards the opponent of the moment, leaping on or climbing up them with it's serrated claws.

Did you know it's remarkably difficult to focus on ranged attacks when the guy next to you is being climbed by what looks like a screaming, burning child?

Hahaha!

The penalty rolls to accuracy and damage made most incoming fire a joke.  Oh, and that was if the opponent of the moment succeeded in keeping it off. If it got up to anything's face, it would spray the acid sack in its torso into their eyes to blind them.

When hit with arrows, swords, or axes, it just cut the burning rags or bent the steel skeleton. The best time was when the exasperated DM fielding a huge critter against us and it stepped on the thing.

Did I mention the thing kept the rags attached through large caltrop-esque spikes under the rags?  What do you think happens when you step on an animated bag of acid?

My character had to patch that thing back together dozens of times, but it was just blacksmithing. So it came back, over and over, fight after fight.