Enjoying Your Dragon

[DerVVulfman]

This is a reprint of an article from
Dragon Magazine, Volume IV #10,
April, 1980

Barry Fowkes

So you own a dragon! Congratulations! You’ve made a wise choice of a pet. Whether you bought him from your local dragon-broker or a relative who came home from an adventure dragging a very large carcass and a few dragon’s eggs, your dragon can be a useful, loyal and loving pet of the family. (NOTE—For the purposes of this article, it is assumed that you own a baby dragon. If your dragon has grown to any respectable size —six feet at the shoulder is a reliable rule—you are reading the wrong article. You should be reading “How to Survive a Disaster.”)

You mustn’t expect your dragon to be any good to you, however, if you’re not good to him. You must show him that you are loving but firm, stem but fair. A well-trained dragon is a joy in any household, serving as a first-rate guard dog, cleaning crew, and fireplace lighter. A poorly trained dragon is a nuisance, and a neglected one is a menace. You must start by giving your dragon a name. Giving your dragon a name gives him a sense of belonging, of being somebody. DO NOT, however, name your dragon after a flower or some such item—the other dragons will tease him, beat him up, and eat him. Also, names like “Killer” or “Napalm” are to be avoided, as the dragon tends to take them too seriously. “Irving” is a good, respectable name for a dragon.

As in any relationship, there must be a few ground rules, and punishment for breaking the rules must be swift but not overly harsh. If, for example, a noble from a nearby castle is visiting and your dragon sneezes at the guests leg, it isn’t good practice to ignore it by saying “You don’t use that foot anyway, my lord,” because the dragon won’t know he’s done anything wrong and will very likely do it again. On the other hand, cursing, dragging your crossbow off the wall and giving your dragon 20 or 30 bolts around the head has an equally bad result-a dead dragon. About the best course of action is to wag the forefinger of your left hand in the dragon’s face, saying “No, no—we mustn’t fry houseguests,” while giving the dragon a few medium blows with a light mace.

Rewarding your dragon for good behavior should be equally swift and sure. Dragons love to be patted, talked to and generally pampered. Remember at all times, though, that you own a BABY dragon and that it is FRAGILE. You needn’t be over enthusiastic when patting your dragon—a good uppercut and a few roundhouse swings should suffice to give your dragon a feeling that you love him.

A dragon will eat anything you will—and quite a few things you won’t. Dragons do, however, have certain basic requirements that must be met. A few head of cattle, 30 or 40 gallons of water, and one or two buckets of assorted spices will last for about a week. Your dragon also needs a supply of coal, which, obviously, you must provide. You must also keep a close watch on your dragon’s diet. Given half a chance, a dragon will do nothing but eat until it quite actually explodes. Not only does this kill the dragon it can make a real mess of your dining room, and so is to be avoid.

Which brings us to our next subject—cleaning up after your dragon.  For some reason unknown to science, dragons are hatched housebroken. Thus, all you have to do is show your dragon a spot of his own and teach him how to open the doors of your house. He will let himself out and go to his spot if he has to. (A point of interest—dragon droppings are probably the most potent acid known to man, and can eat through a foot of stone in almost no time. Therefore, don’t plan on growing anything near your dragon’s privy for about 200 years.)

Dragons do have one rather bad habit—they tend to spontaneously belch. Unfortunately, when they do, objects around them tend to spontaneously ignite. Therefore, if you see your dragon looking as if he’s trying to hold back an explosion, GET HIM OUTSIDE IMMEDIATELY! If he looks like that, he probably IS trying to hold back an explosion, and you’re not helping any by just sitting there and watching.

That’s just about it Just remember, if you take good care of your dragon while he’s a baby, he’ll take good care of you when you’re old and gray—and he’s still a baby.