750+ things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG - Part II
02-24-2023, 04:07 AM
(This post was last modified: 02-24-2023, 04:07 AM by DerVVulfman.)
Trust me guys, I didn't come up with this.
I got this from a website recounting pen-n-paper RPG stories.
Unfortunately, no names were attributed.
(More than) 750 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in an RPG is a list of actions PCs (personified as "Mr. Welch") should never take in a role-playing game. While many of the entries are based on actual games, other entries are entirely fictional. Inspired by "Skippy's List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army", the RPG-specific list was originally posted as "1,150 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG" on TheGlen's blog, which he copied to RPGnet in the thread "250 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG". The list was subsequently expanded by many authors across several threads, most recently "750 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG". A similar list from the perspective of a GM is "1001 things Mr. Raymond can't do when he GMs". 750 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG:
I got this from a website recounting pen-n-paper RPG stories.
Unfortunately, no names were attributed.
750+ things Mr. Welch
can no longer do in a RPG
Part II
can no longer do in a RPG
Part II
(More than) 750 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in an RPG is a list of actions PCs (personified as "Mr. Welch") should never take in a role-playing game. While many of the entries are based on actual games, other entries are entirely fictional. Inspired by "Skippy's List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army", the RPG-specific list was originally posted as "1,150 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG" on TheGlen's blog, which he copied to RPGnet in the thread "250 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG". The list was subsequently expanded by many authors across several threads, most recently "750 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG". A similar list from the perspective of a GM is "1001 things Mr. Raymond can't do when he GMs". 750 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG:
631. Become a cheesy stereotype.
632. Plan.
633. Leave obvious corpses.
634. Ignore narrative imperative.
635. Evacuate any Solars.
636. Leave the quest target behind because she's sarcastic.
637. Request permission to keep Lunars... even if said Lunars followed them home.
638. Have unfinished business with inanimate objects.
639. Plug security breaches by writing a report.
640. Demand tips from Abyssals.
641. Deliver the wrong pizza to Abyssals.
642. Deliver the correct pizza to Abyssals.
643. Illume cities.
644. Invent silly words.
645. Blatantly tell the truth to anyone more powerful than them.
646. Fight Abyssals sitting down.
647. Make lists of things more unworthy than failing to tip the pizza delivery boy.
648. Use tent-related martial arts.
649. Pocket a warstrider.
650. Invite Lunars back to Yu-Shan for a meal.
651. Break the air speed record on the way in to Yu-Shan.
652. Ponder what I'm pondering.
653. Ice skate around the ceiling.
654. Shoot Time's yellow van with a LAW.
655. Go at Mach 3 close to the ground in Heaven.
656. Yoink dramatic imperative.
657. Put elder Sidereals on sticks.
658. Yoink the Pattern.
659. Create small jumpers from Fate.
660. Unleash unholy repeating maggot throwers in crowded galleys.
661. Use illusionary weaponry. Or make-believe weapons.
662. Play pattern spiders, even if they're critics.
663. Flirt with doors or the God of Exaltations.
664. Exhibit unnecessary schizophrenia.
665. Argue with geometry.
666. Sit in the middle of the room... even if it is later defined as a corner.
667. Be citrus fruit.
668. Be lawyers, or use lawyer-speak in their audit debriefings.
669. Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow... or redirect secondary power through the flux capacitor.
670. Use the Arrows of Destiny in any way whatsoever.
671. Refer to the McGuffin as the Arrows of Destiny.
672. Refer to the Arrows of Destiny.
673. Load themselves into catapults.
674. Summon Deathlords.
675. Impersonate geology.
676. Refer to items of clothing as "the cloaking device".
677. Park airships in Golden Gate Park.
678. Pay gods in custard... or rice pudding... even if the brand is Ambrosia.
679. Use 20th-century battleships to cloak their soulsteel flying devices.
680. Ask to see an Earth elemental's rocks.
681. Leave no stones unturned.
682. Be higher than the clouds (either meaning).
683. Break the light barrier, either.
684. I will not, if playing a Middle-Eastern/Indian type character, propose to the female characters that they'd live a life of comfort and ease if they join my harem.
685. Not allowed to punch bound prisoners, even if said prisoner was part of a gang who killed the hostage we were paid to rescue. That goes double for eating them.
686. Not allowed to summon a monster and order it to hit the prisoner.
687. Not allowed to coax the resident mage into casting Suggestion to make the prisoner crack his own nuts.
688. Not allowed to encourage the city guard to rough up the prisoners.
689. Not allowed to ask the noble patron to rack the prisoners to death, burn them at the stake, or otherwise torture them to death as your boon.
690. I must at least try to create a character that will last more than one gaming session.
691. If my character lasts more than one gaming session, I'm not allowed to create a spell/item that I can't undo myself if it has a permanent effect.
692. I'm not allowed to charm other PCs if I have the flaw "incurable genital disease".
693. I'm not allowed to pretend I've been possessed by a demon.
694. I'm not allowed to ask the first demon I meet to possess me in order to get around the rule above.
695. My first name is not "Hit me".
696. I'm not allowed to show anyone the photograph of the Half-Giant in a nappy.
697. I can't drum with my spoons.
698. Drumming is not a special form of martial arts.
699. Yelling "I'm just the cook" will get me killed several times by the other players who'll even gang up with the arch-enemy just to slaughter me - even if it is true.
700. I'm not allowed to use boiling water as a contraceptive, even if that's what they used to do in Ancient China/Japan.
701. I am not allowed to sleep defensively, no matter how high my Concentration bonus is.
702. Civil disobedience is an inappropriate response to the opening adventure hook.
703. The correct action is "I cast Featherfall." The incorrect action is "I attempt to land so that the elf breaks my fall."
704. The phrase "I don't have to outrun the pack of wolves, I just have to outrun you" is an inappropriate use of the surprise round.
705. Attempting to impersonate the captain of the guard is not effective against the captain of the guard.
706. Vampires are not required to "make their foreheads bumpy" before attacking.
707. I am not allowed to join the alienist cult.
708. If I have a question for the party member attempting a Move Silently check, it can wait.
709. When scoring a Coup de Grace against a goblin with his own weapon, telling him "Stop hitting yourself" is unnecessary.
710. Cannot parley with Cthugha.
711. Nor use seduction skill on Cthugha.
712. Cannot light the forest on fire as a response to being attacked by people who are angry at you for trespassing on the forest.
713. Ismiteyoumuthafugga is not a valid name for a paladin.
714. You cannot be Good and the cleric of a god who says "If demanding human sacrifice is wrong, I don't want to be right."
715. It is not the solemn duty of all CHA-based casters to seduce those of the opposite alignment regardless of species, gender, or subtype.
716. Offer party members to dragon in trade for the tablets that I want.
717. Causing global thermonuclear war cannot be my goal.
718. Cannot send the party funds to Nigerian scammers. Nor to other scammers. Even if they are really convincing and seem trustworthy.
719. Cannot give quicklings sugar, haste potions, or speed.
720. Absolutely cannot throw .50 caliber slugs into the campfire to wake up the next watch.
721. Must never bluff omnipotent or omniscient beings anymore.
722. Cannot be a cleric of self, me, I, myself, Bob, or any combination or variant of that.
723. Forbidden to borrow money from a PC, then retire my character.
724. Cannot make random mushroom stew anymore.
725. Must not keep gas spores as a pet.
726. Banned from telling anger management/issues jokes about the barbarian.
727. Cannot play a half-flumph.
728. Must not blindly believe to the high level Ultra Crazy.
729. Cannot play the dare game with the high-level Ultra Crazy and play to win.
730. Cannot give Scooby snacks to any Vargr subsector leader or do any Scooby-Doo impersonations. Rwow kay. Bang!
731. Still can't get XP for immobile gazebos.
732. Cannot build any anatomically correct pseudo-biological battlesuits. Especially if they look like the pilot, Hello Kitty, or famous porn stars.
733. Forbidden from cloning any alien, elder god, or evil deity. That goes double for genetically engineering their DNA, using create undead spells on them, or pranks.
734. Must not ship anatomically correct inflatable sheep to Vulcan.
735. Cannot name character 'Urine, Urine Nation.' Or any variant thereof. Nor tell the other PC's to piss off if they can't take a joke, nor tell them I'm yella, or say let's shake on it and do something else. Unless in FATAL of course.
736. Shoggoths do not wear aloha shirts, nor do they want one.
737. Cannot act more insane than the San 0 Cultists. Even though it's not an act.
738. Must never convince all the players to model their characters after the Pirates of Penzance in a Traveller campaign. And never, ever break into a song in midgame.
739. Cannot make a Capital One barbarian in a 21st-century campaign.
740. Cannot make a character that is a combination of FATAL, Wrathulhu, and Pokethulhu. Go petal tentacle thingie go! Must collect them... Blam!
741. Still can't play a Mark VI cybertank. Sigh.
742. Barney. Blam!
743. If a PC is turned into a cow I still can't milk them without their permission.
744. Can't let the doctor bet in the low lottery.
745. Teaaammm Jonaaah go! Not in Traveller. Damn.
746. Cannot bait the GM anymore.
747. It couldn't get any worse. Blam!
748. The fighter should loot bodies AFTER killing them. Ohhhhh.
749. Cannot call GM, MF.
750. Banned from trying to out-crazy the Ultra Crazy.
751. Must not use allegorical insults on refs with bad tempers.
752. Cannot use Purina Puppy Chow as werewolf bait even though your puppy loves it.
753. Must let the party know where you put the minefield. "Guess" is not an answer. "Surprise" is right out.
754. Absolutely never, under any circumstance, allowed to call for "Close artillery support".
755. This goes double for Exalted-style "Fire-from-Heaven" artillery.
756. Cannot taunt "lesser mortals" in Exalted.
757. Not even if they are.
758. Especially not if they're Dragonblooded or other non-Celestial essence manipulators.
759. "Repeating Crossbow" is not a proper specialty in a Bronze Age game.
760. Neither is Greatsword or M16A2.
761. There is no non-magical AD&D 2nd Ed. Stone Age weapon that does a base damage of "12." It's a misprint, the Neanderthals aren't the secret Master Race.
762. "These books?" is not a proper response to "What's flammable?" when standing in any ancient library, much less the Library of Alexandria.
763. Play a Half-Shogoth.
764. Cannot sell the aircraft carrier Nimitz... again.
765. Cannot use the Nimitz to go for joyrides.
766. Cannot use the Nimitz to ram stuff just to see them sink.
767. Thou shalt not talk the party into playing four druids in 3.5.
768. Not allowed to boobytrap my own gun and then throw it to another player when they run out of ammo.
769. Not allowed to ignore the GM when he shoots down my contributions to the game and act as if I did that anyway.
770. Musn't try and hide the diamond necklace OUTSIDE of my hat.
771. No longer allowed use a glass pickle jar as a hat.
772. If the hat has been stolen by the bad guys, I must not send them the diamond necklace in an envelope with instructions to hide it in the hat.
773. Do not hit on the demon king's daughter when we attack him in his own Hell.
774. Do not hit on the demon king's personal servants when we attack him.
775. Do not do anything else when the party is attacking the demon king.
776. Do help the party attack the demon king before they are completely slaughtered.
777. Cannot hit on the dragon.
778. Must not hit on the mule.
779. Absolutely cannot hit on the paladin's warhorse.
780. Can never use a flammenwerfer in a battle zeppelin again.
781. When carving messages on artillery shells, I cannot use runes and a big chisel.
782. Must leave cities standing after shore leave.
783. Not allowed to play catch with antimatter shells.
784. Cannot use strategic nuclear warheads as anti-personnel landmines.
785. Banned from making 20-gigaton bombs.
786. Banned from using 20-gigaton bombs as well.
787. Oh, and cannot use tac nukes to make pretty pictures that can be seen from space.
788. Cannot distill or bioengineer dirty socks into a biohazard/chemical warfare agent outside of IOU.
789. Cannot sell Warbot plans on eBay for a "quick buck".
790. Cannot serve green slime as dessert.
791. Cannot eat everything that I kill.
792. Not allowed to take FGMPs (Fusion Gun, Man Portable) on shore leave.
793. Must not commission 1.12 million action figures of self using group funds.
794. Never, under any circumstance, help the cook again.
795. On a related note, "More salt will fix it" is not a truism.
796. Emailing "Bomb president terror anarchism weapon smuggle" to myself, just to piss off NSA listeners, is prohibited.
797. Especially when playing an NSA agent.
798. Assault Shotguns are not hostage situation-appropriate weapons.
799. Laptops and lapdances are incompatible.
800. "Liquid" does not necessarily mean "fire-dampening".
801. DON'T switch pills between glasses at the local apothecary.
802. Cell phones =/= secure communication.
803. You don't say "In Nomine Patri" just before killing somebody if you're on the Devil's side.
804. I shall keep my Spoiler Junky habit to myself, and not ruin the module for others.
805. Instead of just saying something is cool, I will do something cool instead!
806. Just because the GM says "Well, now you know better" does not mean I have earned any XP.
807. When the party leader says "Don't telegraph our attack," I should not take it to indicate I should instead phone the opposition to explain our tactics.
808. Not allowed to attempt genetic manipulation in any circumstance.
809. Especially not with PCs.
810. Especially, especially not in a Bronze Age game.
811. "Annoyance Factor" is not a biddable attribute in Amber, even if the whole group agrees that I clearly have first rank.
812. Not allowed to blow the entire "emergency supplies" budget on parachutes, especially in a game set on a sailing ship.
813. Never pet the dragon.
814. Will not make the hand gesture and Shick-SHACK noise of a pump shotgun action before every potential fight. Especially when my PC is carrying a sword.
815. I will not roll to hide, on open plains, at the engagement point of a battle with a giant.
816. I will not roll to hide after shooting said giant, without reason for him to lose track of me, after being told "nah".
817. I will not reset my amount of available spells whenever I feel like it, or alter the amount of spells I can cast.
818. I will actually read the books that depict and detail the rules set for my particular character, rather than assume I'm always right.
819. Elves are not "the other white meat".
820. Nor are they "Santa's little helpers".
821. Or "Satan's little helpers", for that matter.
822. My alchemist cannot create dietary supplements before the discovery of vitamins.
823. Using "Fnord" as the password only works in I.O.U.
824. May not be a paladin of The Lady of Pain.
825. It's The Lady of Pain, not the Lady of Spain. Even if I have an accordion.
826. Bards do not have accordions.
827. PCs may not give pouches made from enemy scrotums as gifts.
828. Keep a running total of how many Commandments/tenets of the Litany/moral 'laws' left to break.
829. Causing stress checks on your own character is not a legitimate way to "toughen them up".
830. May not accept mercenary contracts from our blood enemies.
831. Tickling the dragon with a plain feather in the surprise round is not an option.
832. Must never, ever tag the Mark VI cybertank with anti-AI graffiti.
833. Getting lots and lots of tentacles cannot be my character's goal.
834. That goes double for eyes.
835. My alchemist may never, ever, screw around with pitchblende.
836. "Wall of Jell-O" is not, and has never been, an appropriate spell to take.
837. Mr. Welch should not repeat himself or speak in terms that are at all redundant, duplicated, or a reiteration of previous statements.
838. Mastering levels in bureaucracy will never, ever, allow you to force enemies to fill out a 1011-BZ form every time they wish to strike at you.
839. Banned from firing Saturation Nuclear Clusters at waiters who are rude to me.
840. ...something to do with eating fellow PC's alive. Oh yeah, don't do it.
841. Cannot leave the dungeon without the party even if I'm full.
842. Must never burn down every abandoned or creepy mansion before exploring it.
843. Cannot shake and bake rats.
844. Can never worship at every altar we pass.
845. Taking a rat familiar during the era of the Black Death is right out.
846. So not name anyone or anything Hastur.
847. May not use more nitroglycerine than I can carry.
848. By popular demand, I will not transport nitroglycerine without shock absorbers.
849. Must never use transport aircraft to drop Cybertanks in a lawn darts game.
850. Sigh. No more WMD's for me. But it was only Ebola I improved...
851. Cannot own a Salsa boy hand puppet.
852. Getting banned from every city must never be my characters goal.
853. My paladin cannot use plague victims as catapult ammunition without alignment violations, and "but it's really funny" isn't a valid excuse.
854. Rigging corpses with fishing lines and pulleys to pull pranks in CoC is right out.
855. Cannot gut corpses looking for loot hidden in their entrails... after street brawls.
856. Asking how much XP is the king worth is not funny. Nor is asking how much the 860) XP queen is worth as well.
857. Painting a bull's-eye on the Sherman tank is not to be done. Flames, oven, the word tank in parenthesis, victim, piece of crap, miserable failure, the ref hates us, monkey tank, we are suckers, oh my god we're gonna die, or anything similar should never be painted on the tank. Even though it's true.
858. Referring to the 2.75-inch bazooka team as pa-ting pa-ting suicide force, tank chaff, team deathwish, or tiger toilet paper is not to be done. Even though it's true.
859. I must never, ever enrage mobs. Not until 6th level anyway.
860. Must remember that bluffs must be plausible and sane when dealing with the mostly sane.
861. Cannot let hallucinations speak for me.
862. When doing LSD, cannot use anti-tank weapons, miniguns, or any other weapon. Um. Again.
863. Banned from putting points into anything fart related.
864. Absolutely cannot do a total cavity search on the princess we rescued.
865. Planting a titan arum (Amorphophallus titanum) is absolutely prohibited.
866. Shapeshifting into a flowering one is not an option. Shapeshifting into a flowering forest of titan arum (Amorphophallus titanum) is sooo not happening.
867. My alien language is not composed of farting and tap dancing. Outside of Champions, TFOS, IOU, and Over the Edge.
868. Cannot dispose of corpses using a meat grinder in CoC even if my hamburgers are bestsellers.
869. Can never gargle with nitroglycerine near PC's.
870. If I try to make Cthuloid monsters lose sanity, I must not involve the PC's, especially if I lock one up and subject it to 1,000 hours of Mister Robert's Neighborhood straight.
871. Cannot sell live Deep Ones on eBay.
872. Must not de-fang and de-claw a Deep One solely for the purposes of mud wrestling.
873. Unfortunately I cannot use said Deep One as a scarecrow.
874. Absolutely cannot make a Deep One skin mask or skin suit. Saying "but they do that to us" doesn't cut it. Nor make its skull into a helmet. Nor make Deep Finger necklace, nor fish eye earrings.
875. Cannot sell any part of Ubbo Sathla as a beauty aid.
876. My Dog Boy cannot be named Cujo.
877. Burning down our allies castle in a drunken fit is right out.
878. Eating our allies is never to be done. Even though they are tasty and would go well with Fava beans and a nice Chianti. Oh and don't mention this to them. Oh and cannot offer to buy their dead, paying for them by weight and cut, even if you are offering top price.
879. Cannot make a stuttering, slurring, lisping, absent minded, hiccupping sorcerer that uses weird, wild, improvisational magic using the points saved to up the power to godlike levels.
880. May never use the thermonuclear hand grenade in any improvisational comedy, traps, or thrown in a non-Paranoia campaign.
881. Cannot take potshots at Tigress-class battleships because I don't like their paint job.
882. Buying a comfy chair in Forgotten Realms to be used in "torture" is right out.
883. Convincing newbies to attack Imperial Marines in Battle Dress and sporting Fusion guns, with foils is not to be done.
884. Cannot take proficiency, simple ranged weapon, dwarf.
885. Anvils and safes are not acceptable munitions for the B-2 bomber. And that goes double for Yugos.
886. Must never replace the anti-poison potions with a placebo just to compare their effectiveness.
887. May never replace the anti-nerve toxins with placebos just to compare their effectiveness.
888. Cannot use "High Intensity Missile Fire" against targets from make-believe.
889. Oh yeah, massive amounts of hallucinogens and gunnery don't mix.
890. Can't avoid a dragon's DR by assraping it EVER again. Also, can't remind GM about said dragon fight.
891. Can't prove the witches don't wear panties, also again. Also, can't brag to party that witches don't wear panties. Even though its true.
892. When playing Rebellion Era Star Wars, Mr. Welch may not tell Luke “Leia has the hots for you, I think you should put the moves on her.”
893. When visiting the King of All Cats the first words out of your mouth may not be “Excuse me, but I really have to go. Do you mind if I use your litter box?”
894. It is understood that Mr. Welch’s battle cry can no longer be “I fight for the highest bidder”.
895. It is further understood that Mr. Welch’s Silver Age Superhero’s catchphrase can’t be M*TH*RF*CK*R but a catchphrase approved by the comics code.
896. When the GM introduces his homebrew world:
“Welcome to the world of Mysterium where the PCs are classic fantasy archetypes
in a world where good and evil clash full of interesting NPCs. I’m proud to
announce I designed this world myself to have an old school feel.”
You may not do a simultaneous translation for the benefit of slower players:
“Welcome to the world of Vanilla where PCs are stereotypes in a world full of
fantasy clichés and Mary Sues. By the way, I was too cheap to buy a real setting
so I hope you like fighting a lot of orcs guarding trapped chests in 10’x10’ rooms.”
No matter how accurate.
897. I will not write “Me” in the 'Played by' section of my character sheets.
898. Nor will I write it on everyone else’s character sheet.
899. I cannot get my hands on a bowel disruptor. Especially not in d20 modern.
900. There is no "Prolapse" setting on a taser.
901. If a demon offers to show the way out of a building burning, I cannot sell Terry's soul in exchange.
902. Especially if I know it's going to point at the doorway, which is on fire.
903. Not allowed to sell Terry's soul. Especially if he isn't playing.
904. Not allowed to ghoul Tigers in the middle of Vietnam to stop them eating me.
905. Being a Malkavian is still no excuse.
906. There is no game system in which a dancing fetus is a viable character concept.
907. Gnomes are no longer allowed to be my Ranger's favored enemies.
908. Nor are they automatically evil.
909. My Paladin is not allowed to follow the God of Gnome Genocide.
910. There is no God of Gnome Genocide, nor can I become one.
911. I do not get XP for killing myself.
912. I do not get XP for killing the GM. Even if I'm the next one in line.
913. Cannot use Raise Dead to raise the paladin's dead girlfriend to use as a suicide bomber.
914. Even if he deserved it.
915. The goblin cannot blow up more than 4 times a session.
916. Goblin. BLAM.
917. Thermal detonators shoved up the ass only work in interrogation once.
918. The gazebo will only kill me if I attack it first.
919. "Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life" is not a central tenet of my religion.
920. Unless we're playing Fading Suns.
921. If you ask the GM for 5 million XP while he isn't listening it's not okay to assume that the next "Yes" he says is the answer to your request.
922. Can never kill dragons by ejaculating in their mouths and hence suffocating them to death. especially when a feather duster is involved.
923. Never allowed to remind the GM about the time he killed the dragon.
924. And oh god, never never EVER allowed to tell new players the story about how he killed the dragon... especially when it's their first time at our game table.
925. Holy water does not come in kegs.
926. If my sword defects from evil and I hear it whispering to me, I am not to listen.
927. I am not to buy puppies from the pet store with the explicit purpose of killing them and using their souls to power my vampire-brain-robot.
928. I am not to ally myself with the Nazi party just because they have a better library.
929. My character must resist being nicknamed "Private Smokeass".
930. Never "assume" your party members know you're psychic.
931. No one's afraid of plants.
932. I'm not to try to set a trans-dimensional entity's shag carpet on fire.
933. "The Triumvirate of Mustachioed Inanity" is not a proper name for a superhero group.
934. No one ever got super-powers from Gallagher.
935. There is no such thing as Bizarro Yakov Smirnoff.
936. Sidekicks are people too, even if they have magic 8-balls for heads.
937. Always consider the potential environmental rammifications of summoning a star-spawn of Cthulhu.
938. No longer allowed to roll for damage when urinating on the wall of the complex we're supposed to infiltrate.
939. All walls are now immune to crit-rolled streams of said urine.
940. There is no spell called Evard's Black Testicles, nor will there ever be.
941. This goes double for Evard's Spiky Tentacles of Forced Intrusion from Order of the Stick.
942. Cannot urinate on the atomic bomb.
943. When playing a Trill in Star Trek, cannot rip out my own symbiote and use it as an improvised weapon.
944. Cannot invite Dalamar the Dark to tell us who the daddy is.
945. Cannot proclaim myself to be "The Wizard of Oz" when asked to identify myself by the king of the elves in D&D.
946. When the group has learnt there are vampires frequenting a club and are trying to figure out a way to get rid of them, locking the doors and teleporting a napalm bomb inside is not a viable option.
947. Cannot base a character on the Bigfoot Shaman from Sam & Max.
948. Cannot invent the Gnomish Death Roller.
949. Cannot attempt to replace the dragon armies with a fleet of zeppelins.
950. Cannot play an Ewok shaman with a Wookiee fetish and a penchant for heavy metal. ...again...
951. Cannot give said Wookiee Shaman force powers and a lightsaber. ...again...
952. Cannot pin the burrowing animal to the wall of the cave, when we need it to flip the switch to open the secret passage.
953. Cannot track the displacer beast and take it on singlehandedly at level 2.
954. Cannot give any Ewok shamans access to a customized TIE scout, complete with slushie machine.
955. Cannot give the new Twi'lek character a slushie just to see how bad the brain freeze is.
956. Cannot explain the term "Yarg" to a player who has never gamed with us before and who we would like to see return.
957. Cannot offer to amputate the hand that the magical-posessed-evil-ring-of-doom has just fused itself to.
958. Cannot give the Sith Lord a wedgie using a Force point.
959. I will not try to make a Cat Lord PC and have her open a burlesque club in Sigil.
960. I will not name the club "Pussy Lord's Palace".
961. "The Macarena" is not a burlesque song.
962. Neither is "Dude Looks Like a Lady".
963. A Drow Dominatrix in Sigil that names her establishment "The Lady of Pains" will get flayed. Repeatedly.
964. I can not petition to get the Governors to officially declare Sigil "The City That Never Sleeps".
965. Nor "The Big A##hole".
966. I cannot play a rogue.
967. Also I cannot play a Moulin Rogue.
968. I will not use this list as a "To Do" list for future campaigns.
969. In a d20 Modern game, I will not attempt to get the PCs to play D&D.
970. I will not use my knowledge of economics to destroy a game world.
971. I will not threaten a Dwarven King by saying I will dilute the world's supply of iron with Bags of Endless Caltrops.
972. I will not attempt to create a building out of Immovable Rods.
973. Angst is not a power of ANY of the clans in V:tR.
974. Cannot use the stealth skill to drive a Dodge Stealth.
975. Cannot throw yourself on a tactical nuclear bomb and expect the GM to let you live as reward for a noble deed, nor can you get angry when your body failed to protect the innocent citizens around you.
976. Throwing yourself on the above nuke, with over a minute left on the timer, preventing the demolitions expert from attempting a disarm for the sole purpose of looking like a sacrificial lamb, does not make you a hero.
977. No, there is no "It was all a dream" card in the Torg Drama Deck.
978. It is not always appropriate to kill them and take their stuff.
979. It is never appropriate to kill her and take her stuff, when her very angry, shock mace-wielding brother is still alive and uninjured.
980. Cannot assume that just because there is a giant heavily-armed robot in front of you that it is going to attack.
981. Never assume that because it hasn't attacked yet, that it won't.
982. Cannot assume ninjas automatically come with a motorcycle.
983. Referring to any of the Bayushi as "my little geisha" is grounds for a duel.
984. Especially if they are men.
985. I will not refer to the Lion Clan as the Kitty Clan.
986. Especially in front of the Clan Champion.
987. I can not open a brothel called "Gaijin Pepper" in Otosan Uchi.
988. "It's Hammertime" is not my Crab samurai's battle cry.
989. My Crab samurai can not wear parachute pants.
990. The Crab Clan's motto is not "2 Legit 2 Quit".
991. Nezumi are not a breed of Giant Mutant Space Hamsters.
992. I will not create a Bard whose entire musical repertoire consists of commercial jingles.
993. I will not base any character, in any genre, off of something from "Demolition Man".
994. I will not tell Vecna to "enhance his calm".
995. Low Life is not the greatest game in the world, just because you can play a sentient Twinkie.
996. I will not present this list as a threat to the GM if he refuses to run my game of choice.
997. When the rest of the party have agreed to trade the party's souls for their lives, it is not the moment to develop moral qualms.
998. Written pleas for the kiss of life because you're laughing yourself to death don't work.
999. Don't have your character bend over, drop his pants and scream: "Napalm Enema!"
1000. Particularly in mid-fight.
1001. Don't fall into the Abyss, even if you did mark it as your territory.
1002. When the game starts with the local Baron chasing you into a dungeon, doubling back to loot the Baron's castle while he's not home may upset the GM.
1003. LARPing as a 3 foot tall character is challenging. Doing so on your knees is crippling.
1004. Nailing other PCs to trees makes you few friends.
1005. Nor does flipping off your mutual God.
1006. I am not allowed to play a shy 'undead' attack droid that is even more sadistic then the Dark Jedi is ever again.
1007. I won't spout Communist propaganda to the droid army when everyone else is shooting at them.
1008. I will not shoot at fleeing Jawas even if I am a droid and they’re the spawn of evil and hated by my character.
1009. I won't roll critical and pop the damn thing's head off.
1010. I will not make the Jedi get a Dark Side point when she’s just finished overcoming the one the GM set up for her.
1011. I will not go converse with the guard-droids and think they won't open fire on me because I'm one of them, even if I am a droid.
1012. The basic plan should not be 'Dress Ted Up Like a Girl' even if it works every time.
1013. I am to remember that not everyone likes to role-play as much as me, and I will be turned off if I don’t shut up.
1014. If I am the Face of the group, I should learn how to sound like I know what I’m talking about.
1015. After we have saved two children, and thus a caravan, from a Gray Render –Via GM given information – I am not to then try and sell the two children the Gray Render has bonded itself to as siege weapons to the king.
1016. If I can pretend to be a doctor and kill anyone that's been hurt, I need to have a lower bluff skill.
1017. I am to tell everyone else my plan, even if I wouldn't have time in game, and it would cause less bloodshed.
1018. I will not be late again. I don't want to be gibbed by the dragon for a third time.1
1019. Bluffing every guard that comes by is good. Not telling anyone you’re hurt is bad.
1020. Breaking the depressing moment that we find the homes of the elves broken and destroyed because the XP whore is also an elf and I want to rub it in his face.
1021. Being the talkative one that wants to be a rich nobleman is not proper procedure and will get me sleeping face first in the out-house.
1022. I can't have shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die, if I'm a doctor, even if I am 'hunted'.
1023. If I want to change the plan, I shouldn't be last in initiative, even if I am captain.
1024. I should not walk in and out of the prison with our captain, even if it’s the easiest way. Everyone else wants a turn to be the star.
1025. My 'Irish' accent shouldn’t continually slip into ‘Real Pirate’, even if I am one.
1026. Being overly dramatic, even in 7th Sea, just means I’ll fail more spectacularly.
1027. My cleric does not worship "The Great Porcelain God".
1028. My gnome is not allowed to buy, carry or use tanglefoot bags. Ever again.
1029. My wizard is not allowed to have a stutter.
1030. Shouting "LEEEEROY JENKINS!" more than once a game session will get me pummeled.
1031. I may not punt the halfling. Even if he deserves it.
1032. I may not name my half-orc barbarian "Sweetums".
1033. Or "Twinky-Poo".
1034. I am no longer allowed to cause a cattle stampede by shooting the cow in the rear. Especially if I make a critical roll...
1035. I certainly can not ask the GM to describe in depth the results of said critical roll...
1036. No Warforged characters based off of Terminator, Star Wars, Star Trek, I Robot, Bicentennial Man or any other movie/TV show/anime/cartoon that involves robots/droids/mecha/artificial creatures.
1037. Lolth does not have an understated sense of humor, a secret love of dirty limericks or a soft spot for roguishly good-looking Halflings.
1038. Bigby did not have an inbred illegitimate lecherous half-brother named Figby, and the spells Figby's Fondling Fingers, Figby's Groping Paw and Figby Flips the Bird do not exist.
1039. Nor can my Wizard 're-discover them' via spell research.
1040. Little Mind Flayers do not hang on to daddy's tentacles when he teaches them to dance.
1041. Baleful Polymorph is not a toy.
1042. Using Polymorph any Object to give the elf-chick bigger bazongas is not an appropriate use of an 8th-level spell.
1043. Using Polymorph any Object to turn any character into a functional hermaphrodite is not appropriate in any situation.
1044. The same applies in the case of prominent NPC’s.
1045. And farm animals.
1046. No matter what my Cleric's Diplomacy skill, he cannot convert the evil high priest BBEG to his religion as a full-round action.
1047. No magic can change a god's religion, alignment or sex.
1048. Boogie Fever is not a real disease, nor can it be inflicted with Contagion.
1049. Neither is Blue Balls.
1050. A baby is neither a 'parasite' nor an 'infection', and in any case, someone cannot be made pregnant with the Contagion spell.
1051. Particularly not a male.
1052. I cannot Elementally-Admixture or Fire-Template Otto's Irresistible Dance to create a spell called Disco Inferno.
1053. Just because a dragon can impregnate anything that moves, that does not mean my character can impregnate a dragon.
1054. Prestidigitation does not have a hundred bedroom uses, nor do I need to list them.
1055. No king needs to be told that he has 'skillz', 'mad flow' or given any sort of 'props'.
1056. I can no longer stuff 10 flasks of Alchemist's Fire into a medium-sized Skeleton and tell it to run up and hug the monster before throwing a Fireball.
1057. Grease is not flammable.
1058. Nor is it edible.
1059. I cannot order Summoned Monsters from different planes to mate with each other 'just to see what happens'.
1060. A Decanter of Endless Water is not a torture implement, nor is it tasteful to refer to it as my 'Decanter of Endless Waterboarding' or to re-enact any scene from Caligula.
1061. The Book of Vile Darkness is not 'tasty.'
1062. I am not to quote Monty Python, Jareth the Goblin King (from Labyrinth), Darkness (from Legend, or any other character played by Tim Curry, but especially Dr. Frankenfurter), Batman, James Kirk ("KHAAAANNN!"), Han, Luke, Leia, Obi-Wan or the Droids at the gaming table.
1063. Full-throated Wookiee roars are not appropriate in a fantasy game, and they are certainly not Dwarfish mating calls.
1064. The bard is not a sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania. Nor is the Time Warp an appropriate 'performance' for Inspire Courage.
1065. There is no summoning spell named 'Call Booty'.
1066. The flaming thing in the middle of the room is a brazier, not a brassiere.
1067. A codpiece is not a kind of coin, and I don't need to carry a pouch full of them, nor does anyone need to 'bite it to see if it's real'.
1068. I will not shave the dwarf's beard when he's asleep.
1069. None of the characters want to wake up with a permanent tattoo.
1070. None of the characters want to wake up wearing clown face, mime face or 'made up like a Parisian whore'-face.
1071. I will cast only curative spells, not transformative or mind-affecting spells, on unconscious companions.
1072. I am not to summon Thoqqua to undermine the castle's foundations even if I think that the king's a jerk.
1073. It is against the rules to summon non-flying creatures 30 ft. above another person. Celestial Bison are not 'flying creatures'. Neither are Celestial Whales, even they are aerodynamic, and references from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy will not change anyone's minds.
1074. A character's Charisma score in no way mathematically relates to inches.
1075. Neither Pulchritude nor Girth are game-relevant statistics.
1076. I cannot use Polymorph Any Object to set up a medieval 'cosmetic surgery' clinic to provide 'discrete anatomical enhancements for the nobility'.
1077. When playing my Felcaller, I don’t actually have to do the fel calls at the table.
1078. I can not tell the new player my nickname is Hastur, and then ignore him when he calls my name during the game.
1079. I am not allowed to eat Taco Bell before the game.
1080. Same goes for Wendy's.
1081. In the middle of tense parley, I can not turn to one of the other members of the people we are parleying with and state, "10 gold says our fighter can whip your fighter's ass. With no weapons".
1082. Lighting the sleeping dwarf's beard on fire "Just for kicks" is wrong.
1083. When the DM says you can't do something, stating "Bet I can" is not the proper response.
1084. The Bag of Holding is not an acceptable replacement for a toilet.
1085. I cannot put the Ever-Flowing Bottle uncorked into the Bag of Holding and expect it to become the world's most powerful water balloon.
1086. I don't care what Discworld says, rats are not a dwarven delicacy.
1087. My paladin's battle cry is not "Papa spank!"
1088. My monk has not mastered the Hairy Palm technique.
1089. I cannot name my warforged bard "Optimus Rhyme".
1090. There is no Elemental Plane of Funk.
1091. My lizardfolk barbarian cannot have a tabard that says "Lizards do it in cold blood".
1092. I cannot base my character on Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.
1093. I cannot disguise a mind flayer by gluing a fake moustache to each tentacle.
1094. Tying up Halflings and dragging them behind your horse is not an acceptable method for trolling for ogres.
1095. When my monk is asked for his name, "Hong Kong Phooey, Number-one super guy" is an unacceptable response.
1096. When starting a fight, my Warforged fighter can't state "One shall stand, one shall fall."
1097. I am not to repeat Corben Dallas's negotiation techniques. Ever.
1098. That goes double if she uses a pump-action heavy weapon.
1099. I will no longer keep a ballistae loaded with Alchemist fire bolts mounted on a wagon.
1100. I will no longer get the wild elf barbarian drunk for kicks.
1101. I will no longer spike the BBEG's soup with "Magic Mushrooms".
1102. No Druids may be potheads.
1103. Nor are they allowed to be named "Reefa the Druid".
1104. During the BBEG monologue, saying "Skip a bit" is not allowed.
1105. Saying that the cleric can speak with the dead is not an acceptable defense when you kill prisoners that are to questioned later.
1106. Polymorphing into a rust monster to "Get the old fluids flowing" and scaring the Warforged is frowned upon.
1107. Stating out loud to the bar that your party's dwarf barbarian is nicknamed "Stumpy, and not because he's a dwarf" is a bad idea.
1108. I will not 'prune back' my pet troll to provide the group with rations.
1109. I will not use Fireball to light the street torches at nightfall.
1100. Talking the BBEG's 5-year-old advisor into pulling the secret lever for me is in bad taste.
1111. I am no longer to use Maria Murphy as an NPC.
1112. The Catapult is NOT a means of fast travel, even if I CAN take the damage from impact and walk it off.
1113. There is no existing insurance policy that can fully cover my Level 20 Character.
1114. I am not allowed to put ranks in Profession (cloud insurance salesman) - Hardcore Family Guy fans get me.
1115. I am not allowed to take "Exotic weapon proficiency" in "Spork", "Halfling", "Rat Flail", or "Toaster".
1116. Just because I build it, does not mean they will come. Especially not if it happens to be an all-orc nude review.
1117. My deity is NOT Banjo the Puppet.
1118. My deity is NOT Banjthulhu!
1119. Cure light wounds is not the "nighttime staggering, wheezing, severed head so you can rest and regain more hit points" spell.
1120. The currency is Gold, not meat.
1121. My perfect 20 diplomacy check must contain something more detailed than "Come on... eh? eh? eh?"
1122. Ringing the bell in my backpack will NOT give the hound acheron wings.
1123. My paladin is not allowed to have a celestial dire boar as his mount.
1124. My character's name is not Deus X. Machina.
1125. The extra space on my character page is not for doodling ways to kill the other PC's on.
1126. My monk is not from the Wu-Tang clan.
1127. My barbarian is not from a Tribe called Quest.
1128. My Cleric is not interested in Taking Back Sunday.
1129. May never play Led Zeppelin instead of broadcasting IFF.
1130. Banned from speaking in tongues during negotiations.
1131. Cannot tell the party "Our code has been broken, so when anyone calls in fire, fire 1000 feet short."
1132. May not buy extra "Dead" health levels in Aberrant.
1133. My Slayer is not allowed to arm herself with a "strap-on stake".
1134. Cannot sell the Dwarf as a sex slave. Ahem. Anymore that is.
1135. Must never use any mind control spells to get a hot date.
1136. What's wrong with Captain Squick? It's a cool name!
1137. A fairy with whip proficiency plus rope use skill is just so denied.
1138. Absolutely can never shape-change in to a leprous, hairy, warty, nude orc tubgirl, even though it gives me bonuses to... ah... that certain roll...
1139. When building an alchemical constructs, must remember not to substitute ingredients or use ingredients that are "close enough".
1140. Must let someone know before I use the nukes.
1141. I'll try to remember not to install spam or pop-ups on our robot, even though it makes the robot cheaper...
1142. Real facehuggers are not fashion accessories.
1143. Cannot use alien eggs for any pranks, nor can I use them for acid bombs.
1144. Banned from using charm person to win arguments.
1145. No longer allowed to play a kender ninja.
1146. No longer allowed to play the Badger song when summoning a badger.
1147. Have my wraith sneak into Jon Bon Jovi's changing room and then demand that the GM describe -exactly- what I see.
1148. No, you cannot join the Michigan militia, even if you did bring your own gun, and are willing to prove that you are crazy.
1149. Especially if you did bring your own gun, and are willing to prove that you are crazy.
1150. Your thief's battle cry is not "Sneak attack, motherfucker!"
1151. Yes, gladiatorial combat is illegal on this planet. That doesn't mean you can park the ship in orbit and transmit fights live from your cargo hold.
1152. Especially if you are using the Wookiee refugees you just picked up as participants.
1153. Two paranoid characters in the same unit is not necessarily a problem. Unless they are the scout and the comm officer.
1154. Dwarf rapist is not a valid character concept.
1155. Nor is it a prestige class.
1156. Your magical Pictish tattoo armor is not a pattern consisting of several concentric circles.
1157. Nor is it an arrow with the words "I'm with stupid" written below it.
1158. You cannot have tac nukes.
1159. You definitely cannot have tac nukes on wristslides.
1160. You did not learn kung fu in the temple at Woo Pass.
1161. You did not learn feng shui in the temple of Chan Jin Rooms.
1162. When told that any robot you build must be bigger than a human, the correct response is probably not "You know what's bigger than a human? Lions..."
1163. Your daiklaive is not the Sword of Ownage, and it doesn't give you sight beyond sight.
1164. But it probably should.
1165. When the rest of the party are fighting an evil priest and his stone golem, your action should not be "Staying in the room it can't reach, playing cards and checking out the priest's collection of orc porn".
1166. "Lute case full of weapons" is probably not a valid item of equipment.
1167. The neutral zone is NOT for the loading and unloading of illegal weaponry.
1168. Explosive diarrhea is not an exotic weapon I am proficient in.
1169. I cannot use "polymorph any object", "animate dead" and "awaken undead" to turn a pile of regular bones into a skeletal paragon half-dragon half-celestial Balor who is intelligent, possesses all abilities it would have had in life, and is completely subservient to my will.
1170. My lightsaber is not ribbed for her pleasure.
1171. I am not 4'6" and 600 lbs.
1172. My hero does not gain an extra wealth point from corporate sponsorship.
1173. Solars don't gives DBs swirlies, make them chug stuff or do push-ups.
1174. Especially Immaculates.
1175. My character did not meet the party after escaping from man-eating plants that run people down and pull them off their horses.
1176. Not allowed to convince the party that running up to the werewolf and 'group rubbing' it while chanting "washing the dog, washing the dog" is a good idea. Again.
1177. The Deadlands Nun is not named Sister Mary Whoopass.
1178. The King's Men are not The Order of the Red Shirts.
1179. When capturing brains in jars, I cannot toss them in the campfire.
1180. Cannot show up at the Grand Elysium Ball with a mage dressed as a cheesy Hollywood vampire in serious quiet.
1181. May never trick the Prince into calling a blood hunt against telemarketers, spammers, and mimes... again.
1182. Prohibited from using Artillery in pranks.
1183. Must remember that diversion does not mean total party kill.
1184. Also I must remember that diversion does not mean picking up new enemies. And eight enemy groups is right out.
1185. That goes double for countries.
1186. As a note, I must buy rations and not wait until a PC croaks.
1187. Cannot eat party members. Especially if they are alive. Saying that he would have died from the infection anyway is not a valid excuse. Neither is, but... I'm hungry.
1188. Can never come from a cannibal tribe or raised by cannibals. Again.
1189. I cannot stab the emperor in Rome just to see him die.
1190. Banned from playing chicken with planets, neutron stars, black holes, or suns.
1191. Must not sell weaponized Ebola on eBay.
1192. Cannot be a cleric of atheists.
1193. Cannot Polymorph Other party member into a troll and retire from the fight, appraising their improved fighting capabilities.
1194. Teleporting away isn't the proper behavior when said troll inquires about the duration of the (permanent) spell.
1195. Summoning Archons to grapple halflings and teleport them above the Inner Sea isn't acceptable.
1196. Especially when used to coerce the halfling innkeeper to lower his price by removing random family members from sight.
1197. When a fellow party member expresses concerns at keeping children hostage, "so we don't have to wait to kill them" is usually not the expected answer.
1198. No more amputing fellow party members to reduce their weight so they can all fit in a Teleport spell.
1199. No warforged warrior is named Nimitz.
1200. You are supposed to try and free kidnapped fellow party member, even if they think the kidnappers were working for you.
1201. You cannot substitute a Ring of Wizardry with a Ring of Silence. Even if the party Wizard is annoying.
1202. When looking for a discrete vehicle for escape, don't suggest hijacking a monetary transport truck.
1203. Having a character dumb enough to think that trolls are a kind of goblin doesn't grant the favored enemy bonus.
1204. You can't buy and free 10,000 piranhas in the surrouding bayou of a suspected Deep One manor.
1205. Setting up private shows at the inn is forbidden if they involve your Mirror of Scrying and showering women.
1206. Double for showering party members.
1207. When the king says "I owe you my kingdom", replying with "our interest rates are low, lucky you" isn't appropriate.
1208. No polymorphing dragons into potted plants.
1209. No carrying them with you to brag afterwards, either.
1210. Especially when speaking to the mother dragon.
1211. No throwing warforged characters off the ship to see if they can float.
1212. Especially if you have bet that they can't.
1213. Don't summon Radiant Servants of God to read a book by the light they provide.
1214. There is no weapon proficiency in "you, when crash-landing on enemies".
1215. R2-D2 isn't a valid concept for a Warforged character.
1216. You can't parry bullets with a live animal.
1217. You can't parry bullets with a fellow party member.
1218. In fact, any attempt to parry bullets is forbidden.
1219. When the party hires you as a "medic hardened by the Great War", they don't necessary suspect you're an hematophobic psychiatrist.
1220. I am not supposed to request that the court just get it over with and shoot me when I am pleading innocent.
1221. Darth Vader does not need his helmet buffed.
1222. Especially not THAT helmet.
1223. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, allowing for curvature of the earth.
1224. I am not allowed to ask my god who will win in a fight between Raistlin, Gandalf and Elminster.
1225. The henchman is not an acceptable replacement for a thief in terms of trap detection.
1226. May never try to convert deities into atheists while the party is around.
1227. No matter how high the roll, I cannot make an H-bomb out of paper clips, a Dorito, an electric shaver, and two rather small tacks.
1228. Cannot calculate delta-v anymore.
1229. Totally banned from using charm person spell for ah... obtaining catapult ammunition.
1230. When designing FTL ships, I must include living quarters.
1231. When bailing out of a burning starship, I must make sure that I have a grav belt before I say grab on!
1232. Cannot have a Penguin familiar named 'Random Penguin' who sings "Numa Numa" while attacking a monster.
1233. Said Penguin cannot have the stats of a polar bear.
1234. I cannot distract a metal dog who is about to kill the ranger by shifting into cat form and meowing at it... ever again, that is.
1235. Cannot ask the antisocial Elf to pet me... ever...
1236. Cannot have an alcoholic pet racoon with a french accent named Pierre who is addicted to rum-soaked pumpkin seeds in an Amber campaign ever again...
1237. In an Amber campaign, when asked one's favorite hobby, answering 'incest' is not funny...
1238. When Queen in Amber, morphing into a Dire Racoon with scales and terrorizing the servants is not a good idea...
1239. When asked by the Prince of Chaos for your hand in marriage, the appropriate response is not 'Drop your trousers, I want to view the goods first'.
1240. I do not, in fact, 'Love Lamp', and if my character goes up to random NPCs and states this, she will be put in a loony bin.
1241. I cannot play a mage who doesn't 'believe in magic'.
1242. My character will not have Tourettes syndrome, ever again...
1243. I cannot name a character 'Thunderjugs', and have her hand out milk to random people.
1244. Dog Urine is not the cure to 'every disease known to man', even though my druid may believe this.
1245. When waking up to find her entire village slaughtered, my druid's proper response isn't to smoke a joint.
1246. I cannot make a pothead surfer vampire ever again.
1247. Said vampire cannot count like the Count on Sesame Street... or go up to his Werewolf brother and say 'I vant to drink your blood', and expect to live.
1248. No Puppet shows ever. Especially ones that involve the cutting off the heads of dead Chaos Beastmen, removing the brains and inserting your hand into the skull.
1249. When playing a halfling thief with gauntlets of ogre power, bashing doors instead of picking locks is not an acceptable substitute, especially on a stealth mission.
1250. Yelling into the evil monsters' lair "Hello, nice juicy adventurers who have come to kill you" is not acceptable, even if you really wanted to get this over with quickly.
1251. When playing a super-strong superhero fighting the Nazis in WWII, it is a violation of the rule of war to set a satchel charge, shove it through an enemy combatant's guts, and then throw said combatant into the enemies' lines. Even if results was to break their morale.
1252. Again, when playing a super-strong character, you cannot complain when you lose your shoe after kicking someone in the chest and causing a sucking chest wound. Even if you really liked those shoes and seven villains had to die before you found the correct fit.
1253. Mr. Johnson will never ever again be responsible for expenses, no matter what you rolled, especially when said expenses are a main battle tank and the cost to rebuild your favorite bar.
1254. Yelling "Fire in the hole!" is not sufficient warning after setting the thirty-two sticks of dynamite you have been carrying to explode in three seconds.
1255. Fragging your commanding officer just because he is a Harvard graduate is not acceptable. Especially when a 12-foot-tall crazed super-soldier is about to eat the party.
1256. I cannot disbelieve it's not butter.
1257. The head of the dragon council does not need to fill out paperwork.
1258. "Let's go to a titty bar" is not an acceptable form of diplomacy.
1259. There are no familiars that do 2d-12 damage from their claw attacks.
1260. An outboard motor is not an acceptable melee weapon.
632. Plan.
633. Leave obvious corpses.
634. Ignore narrative imperative.
635. Evacuate any Solars.
636. Leave the quest target behind because she's sarcastic.
637. Request permission to keep Lunars... even if said Lunars followed them home.
638. Have unfinished business with inanimate objects.
639. Plug security breaches by writing a report.
640. Demand tips from Abyssals.
641. Deliver the wrong pizza to Abyssals.
642. Deliver the correct pizza to Abyssals.
643. Illume cities.
644. Invent silly words.
645. Blatantly tell the truth to anyone more powerful than them.
646. Fight Abyssals sitting down.
647. Make lists of things more unworthy than failing to tip the pizza delivery boy.
648. Use tent-related martial arts.
649. Pocket a warstrider.
650. Invite Lunars back to Yu-Shan for a meal.
651. Break the air speed record on the way in to Yu-Shan.
652. Ponder what I'm pondering.
653. Ice skate around the ceiling.
654. Shoot Time's yellow van with a LAW.
655. Go at Mach 3 close to the ground in Heaven.
656. Yoink dramatic imperative.
657. Put elder Sidereals on sticks.
658. Yoink the Pattern.
659. Create small jumpers from Fate.
660. Unleash unholy repeating maggot throwers in crowded galleys.
661. Use illusionary weaponry. Or make-believe weapons.
662. Play pattern spiders, even if they're critics.
663. Flirt with doors or the God of Exaltations.
664. Exhibit unnecessary schizophrenia.
665. Argue with geometry.
666. Sit in the middle of the room... even if it is later defined as a corner.
667. Be citrus fruit.
668. Be lawyers, or use lawyer-speak in their audit debriefings.
669. Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow... or redirect secondary power through the flux capacitor.
670. Use the Arrows of Destiny in any way whatsoever.
671. Refer to the McGuffin as the Arrows of Destiny.
672. Refer to the Arrows of Destiny.
673. Load themselves into catapults.
674. Summon Deathlords.
675. Impersonate geology.
676. Refer to items of clothing as "the cloaking device".
677. Park airships in Golden Gate Park.
678. Pay gods in custard... or rice pudding... even if the brand is Ambrosia.
679. Use 20th-century battleships to cloak their soulsteel flying devices.
680. Ask to see an Earth elemental's rocks.
681. Leave no stones unturned.
682. Be higher than the clouds (either meaning).
683. Break the light barrier, either.
684. I will not, if playing a Middle-Eastern/Indian type character, propose to the female characters that they'd live a life of comfort and ease if they join my harem.
685. Not allowed to punch bound prisoners, even if said prisoner was part of a gang who killed the hostage we were paid to rescue. That goes double for eating them.
686. Not allowed to summon a monster and order it to hit the prisoner.
687. Not allowed to coax the resident mage into casting Suggestion to make the prisoner crack his own nuts.
688. Not allowed to encourage the city guard to rough up the prisoners.
689. Not allowed to ask the noble patron to rack the prisoners to death, burn them at the stake, or otherwise torture them to death as your boon.
690. I must at least try to create a character that will last more than one gaming session.
691. If my character lasts more than one gaming session, I'm not allowed to create a spell/item that I can't undo myself if it has a permanent effect.
692. I'm not allowed to charm other PCs if I have the flaw "incurable genital disease".
693. I'm not allowed to pretend I've been possessed by a demon.
694. I'm not allowed to ask the first demon I meet to possess me in order to get around the rule above.
695. My first name is not "Hit me".
696. I'm not allowed to show anyone the photograph of the Half-Giant in a nappy.
697. I can't drum with my spoons.
698. Drumming is not a special form of martial arts.
699. Yelling "I'm just the cook" will get me killed several times by the other players who'll even gang up with the arch-enemy just to slaughter me - even if it is true.
700. I'm not allowed to use boiling water as a contraceptive, even if that's what they used to do in Ancient China/Japan.
701. I am not allowed to sleep defensively, no matter how high my Concentration bonus is.
702. Civil disobedience is an inappropriate response to the opening adventure hook.
703. The correct action is "I cast Featherfall." The incorrect action is "I attempt to land so that the elf breaks my fall."
704. The phrase "I don't have to outrun the pack of wolves, I just have to outrun you" is an inappropriate use of the surprise round.
705. Attempting to impersonate the captain of the guard is not effective against the captain of the guard.
706. Vampires are not required to "make their foreheads bumpy" before attacking.
707. I am not allowed to join the alienist cult.
708. If I have a question for the party member attempting a Move Silently check, it can wait.
709. When scoring a Coup de Grace against a goblin with his own weapon, telling him "Stop hitting yourself" is unnecessary.
710. Cannot parley with Cthugha.
711. Nor use seduction skill on Cthugha.
712. Cannot light the forest on fire as a response to being attacked by people who are angry at you for trespassing on the forest.
713. Ismiteyoumuthafugga is not a valid name for a paladin.
714. You cannot be Good and the cleric of a god who says "If demanding human sacrifice is wrong, I don't want to be right."
715. It is not the solemn duty of all CHA-based casters to seduce those of the opposite alignment regardless of species, gender, or subtype.
716. Offer party members to dragon in trade for the tablets that I want.
717. Causing global thermonuclear war cannot be my goal.
718. Cannot send the party funds to Nigerian scammers. Nor to other scammers. Even if they are really convincing and seem trustworthy.
719. Cannot give quicklings sugar, haste potions, or speed.
720. Absolutely cannot throw .50 caliber slugs into the campfire to wake up the next watch.
721. Must never bluff omnipotent or omniscient beings anymore.
722. Cannot be a cleric of self, me, I, myself, Bob, or any combination or variant of that.
723. Forbidden to borrow money from a PC, then retire my character.
724. Cannot make random mushroom stew anymore.
725. Must not keep gas spores as a pet.
726. Banned from telling anger management/issues jokes about the barbarian.
727. Cannot play a half-flumph.
728. Must not blindly believe to the high level Ultra Crazy.
729. Cannot play the dare game with the high-level Ultra Crazy and play to win.
730. Cannot give Scooby snacks to any Vargr subsector leader or do any Scooby-Doo impersonations. Rwow kay. Bang!
731. Still can't get XP for immobile gazebos.
732. Cannot build any anatomically correct pseudo-biological battlesuits. Especially if they look like the pilot, Hello Kitty, or famous porn stars.
733. Forbidden from cloning any alien, elder god, or evil deity. That goes double for genetically engineering their DNA, using create undead spells on them, or pranks.
734. Must not ship anatomically correct inflatable sheep to Vulcan.
735. Cannot name character 'Urine, Urine Nation.' Or any variant thereof. Nor tell the other PC's to piss off if they can't take a joke, nor tell them I'm yella, or say let's shake on it and do something else. Unless in FATAL of course.
736. Shoggoths do not wear aloha shirts, nor do they want one.
737. Cannot act more insane than the San 0 Cultists. Even though it's not an act.
738. Must never convince all the players to model their characters after the Pirates of Penzance in a Traveller campaign. And never, ever break into a song in midgame.
739. Cannot make a Capital One barbarian in a 21st-century campaign.
740. Cannot make a character that is a combination of FATAL, Wrathulhu, and Pokethulhu. Go petal tentacle thingie go! Must collect them... Blam!
741. Still can't play a Mark VI cybertank. Sigh.
742. Barney. Blam!
743. If a PC is turned into a cow I still can't milk them without their permission.
744. Can't let the doctor bet in the low lottery.
745. Teaaammm Jonaaah go! Not in Traveller. Damn.
746. Cannot bait the GM anymore.
747. It couldn't get any worse. Blam!
748. The fighter should loot bodies AFTER killing them. Ohhhhh.
749. Cannot call GM, MF.
750. Banned from trying to out-crazy the Ultra Crazy.
751. Must not use allegorical insults on refs with bad tempers.
752. Cannot use Purina Puppy Chow as werewolf bait even though your puppy loves it.
753. Must let the party know where you put the minefield. "Guess" is not an answer. "Surprise" is right out.
754. Absolutely never, under any circumstance, allowed to call for "Close artillery support".
755. This goes double for Exalted-style "Fire-from-Heaven" artillery.
756. Cannot taunt "lesser mortals" in Exalted.
757. Not even if they are.
758. Especially not if they're Dragonblooded or other non-Celestial essence manipulators.
759. "Repeating Crossbow" is not a proper specialty in a Bronze Age game.
760. Neither is Greatsword or M16A2.
761. There is no non-magical AD&D 2nd Ed. Stone Age weapon that does a base damage of "12." It's a misprint, the Neanderthals aren't the secret Master Race.
762. "These books?" is not a proper response to "What's flammable?" when standing in any ancient library, much less the Library of Alexandria.
763. Play a Half-Shogoth.
764. Cannot sell the aircraft carrier Nimitz... again.
765. Cannot use the Nimitz to go for joyrides.
766. Cannot use the Nimitz to ram stuff just to see them sink.
767. Thou shalt not talk the party into playing four druids in 3.5.
768. Not allowed to boobytrap my own gun and then throw it to another player when they run out of ammo.
769. Not allowed to ignore the GM when he shoots down my contributions to the game and act as if I did that anyway.
770. Musn't try and hide the diamond necklace OUTSIDE of my hat.
771. No longer allowed use a glass pickle jar as a hat.
772. If the hat has been stolen by the bad guys, I must not send them the diamond necklace in an envelope with instructions to hide it in the hat.
773. Do not hit on the demon king's daughter when we attack him in his own Hell.
774. Do not hit on the demon king's personal servants when we attack him.
775. Do not do anything else when the party is attacking the demon king.
776. Do help the party attack the demon king before they are completely slaughtered.
777. Cannot hit on the dragon.
778. Must not hit on the mule.
779. Absolutely cannot hit on the paladin's warhorse.
780. Can never use a flammenwerfer in a battle zeppelin again.
781. When carving messages on artillery shells, I cannot use runes and a big chisel.
782. Must leave cities standing after shore leave.
783. Not allowed to play catch with antimatter shells.
784. Cannot use strategic nuclear warheads as anti-personnel landmines.
785. Banned from making 20-gigaton bombs.
786. Banned from using 20-gigaton bombs as well.
787. Oh, and cannot use tac nukes to make pretty pictures that can be seen from space.
788. Cannot distill or bioengineer dirty socks into a biohazard/chemical warfare agent outside of IOU.
789. Cannot sell Warbot plans on eBay for a "quick buck".
790. Cannot serve green slime as dessert.
791. Cannot eat everything that I kill.
792. Not allowed to take FGMPs (Fusion Gun, Man Portable) on shore leave.
793. Must not commission 1.12 million action figures of self using group funds.
794. Never, under any circumstance, help the cook again.
795. On a related note, "More salt will fix it" is not a truism.
796. Emailing "Bomb president terror anarchism weapon smuggle" to myself, just to piss off NSA listeners, is prohibited.
797. Especially when playing an NSA agent.
798. Assault Shotguns are not hostage situation-appropriate weapons.
799. Laptops and lapdances are incompatible.
800. "Liquid" does not necessarily mean "fire-dampening".
801. DON'T switch pills between glasses at the local apothecary.
802. Cell phones =/= secure communication.
803. You don't say "In Nomine Patri" just before killing somebody if you're on the Devil's side.
804. I shall keep my Spoiler Junky habit to myself, and not ruin the module for others.
805. Instead of just saying something is cool, I will do something cool instead!
806. Just because the GM says "Well, now you know better" does not mean I have earned any XP.
807. When the party leader says "Don't telegraph our attack," I should not take it to indicate I should instead phone the opposition to explain our tactics.
808. Not allowed to attempt genetic manipulation in any circumstance.
809. Especially not with PCs.
810. Especially, especially not in a Bronze Age game.
811. "Annoyance Factor" is not a biddable attribute in Amber, even if the whole group agrees that I clearly have first rank.
812. Not allowed to blow the entire "emergency supplies" budget on parachutes, especially in a game set on a sailing ship.
813. Never pet the dragon.
814. Will not make the hand gesture and Shick-SHACK noise of a pump shotgun action before every potential fight. Especially when my PC is carrying a sword.
815. I will not roll to hide, on open plains, at the engagement point of a battle with a giant.
816. I will not roll to hide after shooting said giant, without reason for him to lose track of me, after being told "nah".
817. I will not reset my amount of available spells whenever I feel like it, or alter the amount of spells I can cast.
818. I will actually read the books that depict and detail the rules set for my particular character, rather than assume I'm always right.
819. Elves are not "the other white meat".
820. Nor are they "Santa's little helpers".
821. Or "Satan's little helpers", for that matter.
822. My alchemist cannot create dietary supplements before the discovery of vitamins.
823. Using "Fnord" as the password only works in I.O.U.
824. May not be a paladin of The Lady of Pain.
825. It's The Lady of Pain, not the Lady of Spain. Even if I have an accordion.
826. Bards do not have accordions.
827. PCs may not give pouches made from enemy scrotums as gifts.
828. Keep a running total of how many Commandments/tenets of the Litany/moral 'laws' left to break.
829. Causing stress checks on your own character is not a legitimate way to "toughen them up".
830. May not accept mercenary contracts from our blood enemies.
831. Tickling the dragon with a plain feather in the surprise round is not an option.
832. Must never, ever tag the Mark VI cybertank with anti-AI graffiti.
833. Getting lots and lots of tentacles cannot be my character's goal.
834. That goes double for eyes.
835. My alchemist may never, ever, screw around with pitchblende.
836. "Wall of Jell-O" is not, and has never been, an appropriate spell to take.
837. Mr. Welch should not repeat himself or speak in terms that are at all redundant, duplicated, or a reiteration of previous statements.
838. Mastering levels in bureaucracy will never, ever, allow you to force enemies to fill out a 1011-BZ form every time they wish to strike at you.
839. Banned from firing Saturation Nuclear Clusters at waiters who are rude to me.
840. ...something to do with eating fellow PC's alive. Oh yeah, don't do it.
841. Cannot leave the dungeon without the party even if I'm full.
842. Must never burn down every abandoned or creepy mansion before exploring it.
843. Cannot shake and bake rats.
844. Can never worship at every altar we pass.
845. Taking a rat familiar during the era of the Black Death is right out.
846. So not name anyone or anything Hastur.
847. May not use more nitroglycerine than I can carry.
848. By popular demand, I will not transport nitroglycerine without shock absorbers.
849. Must never use transport aircraft to drop Cybertanks in a lawn darts game.
850. Sigh. No more WMD's for me. But it was only Ebola I improved...
851. Cannot own a Salsa boy hand puppet.
852. Getting banned from every city must never be my characters goal.
853. My paladin cannot use plague victims as catapult ammunition without alignment violations, and "but it's really funny" isn't a valid excuse.
854. Rigging corpses with fishing lines and pulleys to pull pranks in CoC is right out.
855. Cannot gut corpses looking for loot hidden in their entrails... after street brawls.
856. Asking how much XP is the king worth is not funny. Nor is asking how much the 860) XP queen is worth as well.
857. Painting a bull's-eye on the Sherman tank is not to be done. Flames, oven, the word tank in parenthesis, victim, piece of crap, miserable failure, the ref hates us, monkey tank, we are suckers, oh my god we're gonna die, or anything similar should never be painted on the tank. Even though it's true.
858. Referring to the 2.75-inch bazooka team as pa-ting pa-ting suicide force, tank chaff, team deathwish, or tiger toilet paper is not to be done. Even though it's true.
859. I must never, ever enrage mobs. Not until 6th level anyway.
860. Must remember that bluffs must be plausible and sane when dealing with the mostly sane.
861. Cannot let hallucinations speak for me.
862. When doing LSD, cannot use anti-tank weapons, miniguns, or any other weapon. Um. Again.
863. Banned from putting points into anything fart related.
864. Absolutely cannot do a total cavity search on the princess we rescued.
865. Planting a titan arum (Amorphophallus titanum) is absolutely prohibited.
866. Shapeshifting into a flowering one is not an option. Shapeshifting into a flowering forest of titan arum (Amorphophallus titanum) is sooo not happening.
867. My alien language is not composed of farting and tap dancing. Outside of Champions, TFOS, IOU, and Over the Edge.
868. Cannot dispose of corpses using a meat grinder in CoC even if my hamburgers are bestsellers.
869. Can never gargle with nitroglycerine near PC's.
870. If I try to make Cthuloid monsters lose sanity, I must not involve the PC's, especially if I lock one up and subject it to 1,000 hours of Mister Robert's Neighborhood straight.
871. Cannot sell live Deep Ones on eBay.
872. Must not de-fang and de-claw a Deep One solely for the purposes of mud wrestling.
873. Unfortunately I cannot use said Deep One as a scarecrow.
874. Absolutely cannot make a Deep One skin mask or skin suit. Saying "but they do that to us" doesn't cut it. Nor make its skull into a helmet. Nor make Deep Finger necklace, nor fish eye earrings.
875. Cannot sell any part of Ubbo Sathla as a beauty aid.
876. My Dog Boy cannot be named Cujo.
877. Burning down our allies castle in a drunken fit is right out.
878. Eating our allies is never to be done. Even though they are tasty and would go well with Fava beans and a nice Chianti. Oh and don't mention this to them. Oh and cannot offer to buy their dead, paying for them by weight and cut, even if you are offering top price.
879. Cannot make a stuttering, slurring, lisping, absent minded, hiccupping sorcerer that uses weird, wild, improvisational magic using the points saved to up the power to godlike levels.
880. May never use the thermonuclear hand grenade in any improvisational comedy, traps, or thrown in a non-Paranoia campaign.
881. Cannot take potshots at Tigress-class battleships because I don't like their paint job.
882. Buying a comfy chair in Forgotten Realms to be used in "torture" is right out.
883. Convincing newbies to attack Imperial Marines in Battle Dress and sporting Fusion guns, with foils is not to be done.
884. Cannot take proficiency, simple ranged weapon, dwarf.
885. Anvils and safes are not acceptable munitions for the B-2 bomber. And that goes double for Yugos.
886. Must never replace the anti-poison potions with a placebo just to compare their effectiveness.
887. May never replace the anti-nerve toxins with placebos just to compare their effectiveness.
888. Cannot use "High Intensity Missile Fire" against targets from make-believe.
889. Oh yeah, massive amounts of hallucinogens and gunnery don't mix.
890. Can't avoid a dragon's DR by assraping it EVER again. Also, can't remind GM about said dragon fight.
891. Can't prove the witches don't wear panties, also again. Also, can't brag to party that witches don't wear panties. Even though its true.
892. When playing Rebellion Era Star Wars, Mr. Welch may not tell Luke “Leia has the hots for you, I think you should put the moves on her.”
893. When visiting the King of All Cats the first words out of your mouth may not be “Excuse me, but I really have to go. Do you mind if I use your litter box?”
894. It is understood that Mr. Welch’s battle cry can no longer be “I fight for the highest bidder”.
895. It is further understood that Mr. Welch’s Silver Age Superhero’s catchphrase can’t be M*TH*RF*CK*R but a catchphrase approved by the comics code.
896. When the GM introduces his homebrew world:
“Welcome to the world of Mysterium where the PCs are classic fantasy archetypes
in a world where good and evil clash full of interesting NPCs. I’m proud to
announce I designed this world myself to have an old school feel.”
You may not do a simultaneous translation for the benefit of slower players:
“Welcome to the world of Vanilla where PCs are stereotypes in a world full of
fantasy clichés and Mary Sues. By the way, I was too cheap to buy a real setting
so I hope you like fighting a lot of orcs guarding trapped chests in 10’x10’ rooms.”
No matter how accurate.
897. I will not write “Me” in the 'Played by' section of my character sheets.
898. Nor will I write it on everyone else’s character sheet.
899. I cannot get my hands on a bowel disruptor. Especially not in d20 modern.
900. There is no "Prolapse" setting on a taser.
901. If a demon offers to show the way out of a building burning, I cannot sell Terry's soul in exchange.
902. Especially if I know it's going to point at the doorway, which is on fire.
903. Not allowed to sell Terry's soul. Especially if he isn't playing.
904. Not allowed to ghoul Tigers in the middle of Vietnam to stop them eating me.
905. Being a Malkavian is still no excuse.
906. There is no game system in which a dancing fetus is a viable character concept.
907. Gnomes are no longer allowed to be my Ranger's favored enemies.
908. Nor are they automatically evil.
909. My Paladin is not allowed to follow the God of Gnome Genocide.
910. There is no God of Gnome Genocide, nor can I become one.
911. I do not get XP for killing myself.
912. I do not get XP for killing the GM. Even if I'm the next one in line.
913. Cannot use Raise Dead to raise the paladin's dead girlfriend to use as a suicide bomber.
914. Even if he deserved it.
915. The goblin cannot blow up more than 4 times a session.
916. Goblin. BLAM.
917. Thermal detonators shoved up the ass only work in interrogation once.
918. The gazebo will only kill me if I attack it first.
919. "Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life" is not a central tenet of my religion.
920. Unless we're playing Fading Suns.
921. If you ask the GM for 5 million XP while he isn't listening it's not okay to assume that the next "Yes" he says is the answer to your request.
922. Can never kill dragons by ejaculating in their mouths and hence suffocating them to death. especially when a feather duster is involved.
923. Never allowed to remind the GM about the time he killed the dragon.
924. And oh god, never never EVER allowed to tell new players the story about how he killed the dragon... especially when it's their first time at our game table.
925. Holy water does not come in kegs.
926. If my sword defects from evil and I hear it whispering to me, I am not to listen.
927. I am not to buy puppies from the pet store with the explicit purpose of killing them and using their souls to power my vampire-brain-robot.
928. I am not to ally myself with the Nazi party just because they have a better library.
929. My character must resist being nicknamed "Private Smokeass".
930. Never "assume" your party members know you're psychic.
931. No one's afraid of plants.
932. I'm not to try to set a trans-dimensional entity's shag carpet on fire.
933. "The Triumvirate of Mustachioed Inanity" is not a proper name for a superhero group.
934. No one ever got super-powers from Gallagher.
935. There is no such thing as Bizarro Yakov Smirnoff.
936. Sidekicks are people too, even if they have magic 8-balls for heads.
937. Always consider the potential environmental rammifications of summoning a star-spawn of Cthulhu.
938. No longer allowed to roll for damage when urinating on the wall of the complex we're supposed to infiltrate.
939. All walls are now immune to crit-rolled streams of said urine.
940. There is no spell called Evard's Black Testicles, nor will there ever be.
941. This goes double for Evard's Spiky Tentacles of Forced Intrusion from Order of the Stick.
942. Cannot urinate on the atomic bomb.
943. When playing a Trill in Star Trek, cannot rip out my own symbiote and use it as an improvised weapon.
944. Cannot invite Dalamar the Dark to tell us who the daddy is.
945. Cannot proclaim myself to be "The Wizard of Oz" when asked to identify myself by the king of the elves in D&D.
946. When the group has learnt there are vampires frequenting a club and are trying to figure out a way to get rid of them, locking the doors and teleporting a napalm bomb inside is not a viable option.
947. Cannot base a character on the Bigfoot Shaman from Sam & Max.
948. Cannot invent the Gnomish Death Roller.
949. Cannot attempt to replace the dragon armies with a fleet of zeppelins.
950. Cannot play an Ewok shaman with a Wookiee fetish and a penchant for heavy metal. ...again...
951. Cannot give said Wookiee Shaman force powers and a lightsaber. ...again...
952. Cannot pin the burrowing animal to the wall of the cave, when we need it to flip the switch to open the secret passage.
953. Cannot track the displacer beast and take it on singlehandedly at level 2.
954. Cannot give any Ewok shamans access to a customized TIE scout, complete with slushie machine.
955. Cannot give the new Twi'lek character a slushie just to see how bad the brain freeze is.
956. Cannot explain the term "Yarg" to a player who has never gamed with us before and who we would like to see return.
957. Cannot offer to amputate the hand that the magical-posessed-evil-ring-of-doom has just fused itself to.
958. Cannot give the Sith Lord a wedgie using a Force point.
959. I will not try to make a Cat Lord PC and have her open a burlesque club in Sigil.
960. I will not name the club "Pussy Lord's Palace".
961. "The Macarena" is not a burlesque song.
962. Neither is "Dude Looks Like a Lady".
963. A Drow Dominatrix in Sigil that names her establishment "The Lady of Pains" will get flayed. Repeatedly.
964. I can not petition to get the Governors to officially declare Sigil "The City That Never Sleeps".
965. Nor "The Big A##hole".
966. I cannot play a rogue.
967. Also I cannot play a Moulin Rogue.
968. I will not use this list as a "To Do" list for future campaigns.
969. In a d20 Modern game, I will not attempt to get the PCs to play D&D.
970. I will not use my knowledge of economics to destroy a game world.
971. I will not threaten a Dwarven King by saying I will dilute the world's supply of iron with Bags of Endless Caltrops.
972. I will not attempt to create a building out of Immovable Rods.
973. Angst is not a power of ANY of the clans in V:tR.
974. Cannot use the stealth skill to drive a Dodge Stealth.
975. Cannot throw yourself on a tactical nuclear bomb and expect the GM to let you live as reward for a noble deed, nor can you get angry when your body failed to protect the innocent citizens around you.
976. Throwing yourself on the above nuke, with over a minute left on the timer, preventing the demolitions expert from attempting a disarm for the sole purpose of looking like a sacrificial lamb, does not make you a hero.
977. No, there is no "It was all a dream" card in the Torg Drama Deck.
978. It is not always appropriate to kill them and take their stuff.
979. It is never appropriate to kill her and take her stuff, when her very angry, shock mace-wielding brother is still alive and uninjured.
980. Cannot assume that just because there is a giant heavily-armed robot in front of you that it is going to attack.
981. Never assume that because it hasn't attacked yet, that it won't.
982. Cannot assume ninjas automatically come with a motorcycle.
983. Referring to any of the Bayushi as "my little geisha" is grounds for a duel.
984. Especially if they are men.
985. I will not refer to the Lion Clan as the Kitty Clan.
986. Especially in front of the Clan Champion.
987. I can not open a brothel called "Gaijin Pepper" in Otosan Uchi.
988. "It's Hammertime" is not my Crab samurai's battle cry.
989. My Crab samurai can not wear parachute pants.
990. The Crab Clan's motto is not "2 Legit 2 Quit".
991. Nezumi are not a breed of Giant Mutant Space Hamsters.
992. I will not create a Bard whose entire musical repertoire consists of commercial jingles.
993. I will not base any character, in any genre, off of something from "Demolition Man".
994. I will not tell Vecna to "enhance his calm".
995. Low Life is not the greatest game in the world, just because you can play a sentient Twinkie.
996. I will not present this list as a threat to the GM if he refuses to run my game of choice.
997. When the rest of the party have agreed to trade the party's souls for their lives, it is not the moment to develop moral qualms.
998. Written pleas for the kiss of life because you're laughing yourself to death don't work.
999. Don't have your character bend over, drop his pants and scream: "Napalm Enema!"
1000. Particularly in mid-fight.
1001. Don't fall into the Abyss, even if you did mark it as your territory.
1002. When the game starts with the local Baron chasing you into a dungeon, doubling back to loot the Baron's castle while he's not home may upset the GM.
1003. LARPing as a 3 foot tall character is challenging. Doing so on your knees is crippling.
1004. Nailing other PCs to trees makes you few friends.
1005. Nor does flipping off your mutual God.
1006. I am not allowed to play a shy 'undead' attack droid that is even more sadistic then the Dark Jedi is ever again.
1007. I won't spout Communist propaganda to the droid army when everyone else is shooting at them.
1008. I will not shoot at fleeing Jawas even if I am a droid and they’re the spawn of evil and hated by my character.
1009. I won't roll critical and pop the damn thing's head off.
1010. I will not make the Jedi get a Dark Side point when she’s just finished overcoming the one the GM set up for her.
1011. I will not go converse with the guard-droids and think they won't open fire on me because I'm one of them, even if I am a droid.
1012. The basic plan should not be 'Dress Ted Up Like a Girl' even if it works every time.
1013. I am to remember that not everyone likes to role-play as much as me, and I will be turned off if I don’t shut up.
1014. If I am the Face of the group, I should learn how to sound like I know what I’m talking about.
1015. After we have saved two children, and thus a caravan, from a Gray Render –Via GM given information – I am not to then try and sell the two children the Gray Render has bonded itself to as siege weapons to the king.
1016. If I can pretend to be a doctor and kill anyone that's been hurt, I need to have a lower bluff skill.
1017. I am to tell everyone else my plan, even if I wouldn't have time in game, and it would cause less bloodshed.
1018. I will not be late again. I don't want to be gibbed by the dragon for a third time.1
1019. Bluffing every guard that comes by is good. Not telling anyone you’re hurt is bad.
1020. Breaking the depressing moment that we find the homes of the elves broken and destroyed because the XP whore is also an elf and I want to rub it in his face.
1021. Being the talkative one that wants to be a rich nobleman is not proper procedure and will get me sleeping face first in the out-house.
1022. I can't have shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die, if I'm a doctor, even if I am 'hunted'.
1023. If I want to change the plan, I shouldn't be last in initiative, even if I am captain.
1024. I should not walk in and out of the prison with our captain, even if it’s the easiest way. Everyone else wants a turn to be the star.
1025. My 'Irish' accent shouldn’t continually slip into ‘Real Pirate’, even if I am one.
1026. Being overly dramatic, even in 7th Sea, just means I’ll fail more spectacularly.
1027. My cleric does not worship "The Great Porcelain God".
1028. My gnome is not allowed to buy, carry or use tanglefoot bags. Ever again.
1029. My wizard is not allowed to have a stutter.
1030. Shouting "LEEEEROY JENKINS!" more than once a game session will get me pummeled.
1031. I may not punt the halfling. Even if he deserves it.
1032. I may not name my half-orc barbarian "Sweetums".
1033. Or "Twinky-Poo".
1034. I am no longer allowed to cause a cattle stampede by shooting the cow in the rear. Especially if I make a critical roll...
1035. I certainly can not ask the GM to describe in depth the results of said critical roll...
1036. No Warforged characters based off of Terminator, Star Wars, Star Trek, I Robot, Bicentennial Man or any other movie/TV show/anime/cartoon that involves robots/droids/mecha/artificial creatures.
1037. Lolth does not have an understated sense of humor, a secret love of dirty limericks or a soft spot for roguishly good-looking Halflings.
1038. Bigby did not have an inbred illegitimate lecherous half-brother named Figby, and the spells Figby's Fondling Fingers, Figby's Groping Paw and Figby Flips the Bird do not exist.
1039. Nor can my Wizard 're-discover them' via spell research.
1040. Little Mind Flayers do not hang on to daddy's tentacles when he teaches them to dance.
1041. Baleful Polymorph is not a toy.
1042. Using Polymorph any Object to give the elf-chick bigger bazongas is not an appropriate use of an 8th-level spell.
1043. Using Polymorph any Object to turn any character into a functional hermaphrodite is not appropriate in any situation.
1044. The same applies in the case of prominent NPC’s.
1045. And farm animals.
1046. No matter what my Cleric's Diplomacy skill, he cannot convert the evil high priest BBEG to his religion as a full-round action.
1047. No magic can change a god's religion, alignment or sex.
1048. Boogie Fever is not a real disease, nor can it be inflicted with Contagion.
1049. Neither is Blue Balls.
1050. A baby is neither a 'parasite' nor an 'infection', and in any case, someone cannot be made pregnant with the Contagion spell.
1051. Particularly not a male.
1052. I cannot Elementally-Admixture or Fire-Template Otto's Irresistible Dance to create a spell called Disco Inferno.
1053. Just because a dragon can impregnate anything that moves, that does not mean my character can impregnate a dragon.
1054. Prestidigitation does not have a hundred bedroom uses, nor do I need to list them.
1055. No king needs to be told that he has 'skillz', 'mad flow' or given any sort of 'props'.
1056. I can no longer stuff 10 flasks of Alchemist's Fire into a medium-sized Skeleton and tell it to run up and hug the monster before throwing a Fireball.
1057. Grease is not flammable.
1058. Nor is it edible.
1059. I cannot order Summoned Monsters from different planes to mate with each other 'just to see what happens'.
1060. A Decanter of Endless Water is not a torture implement, nor is it tasteful to refer to it as my 'Decanter of Endless Waterboarding' or to re-enact any scene from Caligula.
1061. The Book of Vile Darkness is not 'tasty.'
1062. I am not to quote Monty Python, Jareth the Goblin King (from Labyrinth), Darkness (from Legend, or any other character played by Tim Curry, but especially Dr. Frankenfurter), Batman, James Kirk ("KHAAAANNN!"), Han, Luke, Leia, Obi-Wan or the Droids at the gaming table.
1063. Full-throated Wookiee roars are not appropriate in a fantasy game, and they are certainly not Dwarfish mating calls.
1064. The bard is not a sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania. Nor is the Time Warp an appropriate 'performance' for Inspire Courage.
1065. There is no summoning spell named 'Call Booty'.
1066. The flaming thing in the middle of the room is a brazier, not a brassiere.
1067. A codpiece is not a kind of coin, and I don't need to carry a pouch full of them, nor does anyone need to 'bite it to see if it's real'.
1068. I will not shave the dwarf's beard when he's asleep.
1069. None of the characters want to wake up with a permanent tattoo.
1070. None of the characters want to wake up wearing clown face, mime face or 'made up like a Parisian whore'-face.
1071. I will cast only curative spells, not transformative or mind-affecting spells, on unconscious companions.
1072. I am not to summon Thoqqua to undermine the castle's foundations even if I think that the king's a jerk.
1073. It is against the rules to summon non-flying creatures 30 ft. above another person. Celestial Bison are not 'flying creatures'. Neither are Celestial Whales, even they are aerodynamic, and references from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy will not change anyone's minds.
1074. A character's Charisma score in no way mathematically relates to inches.
1075. Neither Pulchritude nor Girth are game-relevant statistics.
1076. I cannot use Polymorph Any Object to set up a medieval 'cosmetic surgery' clinic to provide 'discrete anatomical enhancements for the nobility'.
1077. When playing my Felcaller, I don’t actually have to do the fel calls at the table.
1078. I can not tell the new player my nickname is Hastur, and then ignore him when he calls my name during the game.
1079. I am not allowed to eat Taco Bell before the game.
1080. Same goes for Wendy's.
1081. In the middle of tense parley, I can not turn to one of the other members of the people we are parleying with and state, "10 gold says our fighter can whip your fighter's ass. With no weapons".
1082. Lighting the sleeping dwarf's beard on fire "Just for kicks" is wrong.
1083. When the DM says you can't do something, stating "Bet I can" is not the proper response.
1084. The Bag of Holding is not an acceptable replacement for a toilet.
1085. I cannot put the Ever-Flowing Bottle uncorked into the Bag of Holding and expect it to become the world's most powerful water balloon.
1086. I don't care what Discworld says, rats are not a dwarven delicacy.
1087. My paladin's battle cry is not "Papa spank!"
1088. My monk has not mastered the Hairy Palm technique.
1089. I cannot name my warforged bard "Optimus Rhyme".
1090. There is no Elemental Plane of Funk.
1091. My lizardfolk barbarian cannot have a tabard that says "Lizards do it in cold blood".
1092. I cannot base my character on Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.
1093. I cannot disguise a mind flayer by gluing a fake moustache to each tentacle.
1094. Tying up Halflings and dragging them behind your horse is not an acceptable method for trolling for ogres.
1095. When my monk is asked for his name, "Hong Kong Phooey, Number-one super guy" is an unacceptable response.
1096. When starting a fight, my Warforged fighter can't state "One shall stand, one shall fall."
1097. I am not to repeat Corben Dallas's negotiation techniques. Ever.
1098. That goes double if she uses a pump-action heavy weapon.
1099. I will no longer keep a ballistae loaded with Alchemist fire bolts mounted on a wagon.
1100. I will no longer get the wild elf barbarian drunk for kicks.
1101. I will no longer spike the BBEG's soup with "Magic Mushrooms".
1102. No Druids may be potheads.
1103. Nor are they allowed to be named "Reefa the Druid".
1104. During the BBEG monologue, saying "Skip a bit" is not allowed.
1105. Saying that the cleric can speak with the dead is not an acceptable defense when you kill prisoners that are to questioned later.
1106. Polymorphing into a rust monster to "Get the old fluids flowing" and scaring the Warforged is frowned upon.
1107. Stating out loud to the bar that your party's dwarf barbarian is nicknamed "Stumpy, and not because he's a dwarf" is a bad idea.
1108. I will not 'prune back' my pet troll to provide the group with rations.
1109. I will not use Fireball to light the street torches at nightfall.
1100. Talking the BBEG's 5-year-old advisor into pulling the secret lever for me is in bad taste.
1111. I am no longer to use Maria Murphy as an NPC.
1112. The Catapult is NOT a means of fast travel, even if I CAN take the damage from impact and walk it off.
1113. There is no existing insurance policy that can fully cover my Level 20 Character.
1114. I am not allowed to put ranks in Profession (cloud insurance salesman) - Hardcore Family Guy fans get me.
1115. I am not allowed to take "Exotic weapon proficiency" in "Spork", "Halfling", "Rat Flail", or "Toaster".
1116. Just because I build it, does not mean they will come. Especially not if it happens to be an all-orc nude review.
1117. My deity is NOT Banjo the Puppet.
1118. My deity is NOT Banjthulhu!
1119. Cure light wounds is not the "nighttime staggering, wheezing, severed head so you can rest and regain more hit points" spell.
1120. The currency is Gold, not meat.
1121. My perfect 20 diplomacy check must contain something more detailed than "Come on... eh? eh? eh?"
1122. Ringing the bell in my backpack will NOT give the hound acheron wings.
1123. My paladin is not allowed to have a celestial dire boar as his mount.
1124. My character's name is not Deus X. Machina.
1125. The extra space on my character page is not for doodling ways to kill the other PC's on.
1126. My monk is not from the Wu-Tang clan.
1127. My barbarian is not from a Tribe called Quest.
1128. My Cleric is not interested in Taking Back Sunday.
1129. May never play Led Zeppelin instead of broadcasting IFF.
1130. Banned from speaking in tongues during negotiations.
1131. Cannot tell the party "Our code has been broken, so when anyone calls in fire, fire 1000 feet short."
1132. May not buy extra "Dead" health levels in Aberrant.
1133. My Slayer is not allowed to arm herself with a "strap-on stake".
1134. Cannot sell the Dwarf as a sex slave. Ahem. Anymore that is.
1135. Must never use any mind control spells to get a hot date.
1136. What's wrong with Captain Squick? It's a cool name!
1137. A fairy with whip proficiency plus rope use skill is just so denied.
1138. Absolutely can never shape-change in to a leprous, hairy, warty, nude orc tubgirl, even though it gives me bonuses to... ah... that certain roll...
1139. When building an alchemical constructs, must remember not to substitute ingredients or use ingredients that are "close enough".
1140. Must let someone know before I use the nukes.
1141. I'll try to remember not to install spam or pop-ups on our robot, even though it makes the robot cheaper...
1142. Real facehuggers are not fashion accessories.
1143. Cannot use alien eggs for any pranks, nor can I use them for acid bombs.
1144. Banned from using charm person to win arguments.
1145. No longer allowed to play a kender ninja.
1146. No longer allowed to play the Badger song when summoning a badger.
1147. Have my wraith sneak into Jon Bon Jovi's changing room and then demand that the GM describe -exactly- what I see.
1148. No, you cannot join the Michigan militia, even if you did bring your own gun, and are willing to prove that you are crazy.
1149. Especially if you did bring your own gun, and are willing to prove that you are crazy.
1150. Your thief's battle cry is not "Sneak attack, motherfucker!"
1151. Yes, gladiatorial combat is illegal on this planet. That doesn't mean you can park the ship in orbit and transmit fights live from your cargo hold.
1152. Especially if you are using the Wookiee refugees you just picked up as participants.
1153. Two paranoid characters in the same unit is not necessarily a problem. Unless they are the scout and the comm officer.
1154. Dwarf rapist is not a valid character concept.
1155. Nor is it a prestige class.
1156. Your magical Pictish tattoo armor is not a pattern consisting of several concentric circles.
1157. Nor is it an arrow with the words "I'm with stupid" written below it.
1158. You cannot have tac nukes.
1159. You definitely cannot have tac nukes on wristslides.
1160. You did not learn kung fu in the temple at Woo Pass.
1161. You did not learn feng shui in the temple of Chan Jin Rooms.
1162. When told that any robot you build must be bigger than a human, the correct response is probably not "You know what's bigger than a human? Lions..."
1163. Your daiklaive is not the Sword of Ownage, and it doesn't give you sight beyond sight.
1164. But it probably should.
1165. When the rest of the party are fighting an evil priest and his stone golem, your action should not be "Staying in the room it can't reach, playing cards and checking out the priest's collection of orc porn".
1166. "Lute case full of weapons" is probably not a valid item of equipment.
1167. The neutral zone is NOT for the loading and unloading of illegal weaponry.
1168. Explosive diarrhea is not an exotic weapon I am proficient in.
1169. I cannot use "polymorph any object", "animate dead" and "awaken undead" to turn a pile of regular bones into a skeletal paragon half-dragon half-celestial Balor who is intelligent, possesses all abilities it would have had in life, and is completely subservient to my will.
1170. My lightsaber is not ribbed for her pleasure.
1171. I am not 4'6" and 600 lbs.
1172. My hero does not gain an extra wealth point from corporate sponsorship.
1173. Solars don't gives DBs swirlies, make them chug stuff or do push-ups.
1174. Especially Immaculates.
1175. My character did not meet the party after escaping from man-eating plants that run people down and pull them off their horses.
1176. Not allowed to convince the party that running up to the werewolf and 'group rubbing' it while chanting "washing the dog, washing the dog" is a good idea. Again.
1177. The Deadlands Nun is not named Sister Mary Whoopass.
1178. The King's Men are not The Order of the Red Shirts.
1179. When capturing brains in jars, I cannot toss them in the campfire.
1180. Cannot show up at the Grand Elysium Ball with a mage dressed as a cheesy Hollywood vampire in serious quiet.
1181. May never trick the Prince into calling a blood hunt against telemarketers, spammers, and mimes... again.
1182. Prohibited from using Artillery in pranks.
1183. Must remember that diversion does not mean total party kill.
1184. Also I must remember that diversion does not mean picking up new enemies. And eight enemy groups is right out.
1185. That goes double for countries.
1186. As a note, I must buy rations and not wait until a PC croaks.
1187. Cannot eat party members. Especially if they are alive. Saying that he would have died from the infection anyway is not a valid excuse. Neither is, but... I'm hungry.
1188. Can never come from a cannibal tribe or raised by cannibals. Again.
1189. I cannot stab the emperor in Rome just to see him die.
1190. Banned from playing chicken with planets, neutron stars, black holes, or suns.
1191. Must not sell weaponized Ebola on eBay.
1192. Cannot be a cleric of atheists.
1193. Cannot Polymorph Other party member into a troll and retire from the fight, appraising their improved fighting capabilities.
1194. Teleporting away isn't the proper behavior when said troll inquires about the duration of the (permanent) spell.
1195. Summoning Archons to grapple halflings and teleport them above the Inner Sea isn't acceptable.
1196. Especially when used to coerce the halfling innkeeper to lower his price by removing random family members from sight.
1197. When a fellow party member expresses concerns at keeping children hostage, "so we don't have to wait to kill them" is usually not the expected answer.
1198. No more amputing fellow party members to reduce their weight so they can all fit in a Teleport spell.
1199. No warforged warrior is named Nimitz.
1200. You are supposed to try and free kidnapped fellow party member, even if they think the kidnappers were working for you.
1201. You cannot substitute a Ring of Wizardry with a Ring of Silence. Even if the party Wizard is annoying.
1202. When looking for a discrete vehicle for escape, don't suggest hijacking a monetary transport truck.
1203. Having a character dumb enough to think that trolls are a kind of goblin doesn't grant the favored enemy bonus.
1204. You can't buy and free 10,000 piranhas in the surrouding bayou of a suspected Deep One manor.
1205. Setting up private shows at the inn is forbidden if they involve your Mirror of Scrying and showering women.
1206. Double for showering party members.
1207. When the king says "I owe you my kingdom", replying with "our interest rates are low, lucky you" isn't appropriate.
1208. No polymorphing dragons into potted plants.
1209. No carrying them with you to brag afterwards, either.
1210. Especially when speaking to the mother dragon.
1211. No throwing warforged characters off the ship to see if they can float.
1212. Especially if you have bet that they can't.
1213. Don't summon Radiant Servants of God to read a book by the light they provide.
1214. There is no weapon proficiency in "you, when crash-landing on enemies".
1215. R2-D2 isn't a valid concept for a Warforged character.
1216. You can't parry bullets with a live animal.
1217. You can't parry bullets with a fellow party member.
1218. In fact, any attempt to parry bullets is forbidden.
1219. When the party hires you as a "medic hardened by the Great War", they don't necessary suspect you're an hematophobic psychiatrist.
1220. I am not supposed to request that the court just get it over with and shoot me when I am pleading innocent.
1221. Darth Vader does not need his helmet buffed.
1222. Especially not THAT helmet.
1223. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, allowing for curvature of the earth.
1224. I am not allowed to ask my god who will win in a fight between Raistlin, Gandalf and Elminster.
1225. The henchman is not an acceptable replacement for a thief in terms of trap detection.
1226. May never try to convert deities into atheists while the party is around.
1227. No matter how high the roll, I cannot make an H-bomb out of paper clips, a Dorito, an electric shaver, and two rather small tacks.
1228. Cannot calculate delta-v anymore.
1229. Totally banned from using charm person spell for ah... obtaining catapult ammunition.
1230. When designing FTL ships, I must include living quarters.
1231. When bailing out of a burning starship, I must make sure that I have a grav belt before I say grab on!
1232. Cannot have a Penguin familiar named 'Random Penguin' who sings "Numa Numa" while attacking a monster.
1233. Said Penguin cannot have the stats of a polar bear.
1234. I cannot distract a metal dog who is about to kill the ranger by shifting into cat form and meowing at it... ever again, that is.
1235. Cannot ask the antisocial Elf to pet me... ever...
1236. Cannot have an alcoholic pet racoon with a french accent named Pierre who is addicted to rum-soaked pumpkin seeds in an Amber campaign ever again...
1237. In an Amber campaign, when asked one's favorite hobby, answering 'incest' is not funny...
1238. When Queen in Amber, morphing into a Dire Racoon with scales and terrorizing the servants is not a good idea...
1239. When asked by the Prince of Chaos for your hand in marriage, the appropriate response is not 'Drop your trousers, I want to view the goods first'.
1240. I do not, in fact, 'Love Lamp', and if my character goes up to random NPCs and states this, she will be put in a loony bin.
1241. I cannot play a mage who doesn't 'believe in magic'.
1242. My character will not have Tourettes syndrome, ever again...
1243. I cannot name a character 'Thunderjugs', and have her hand out milk to random people.
1244. Dog Urine is not the cure to 'every disease known to man', even though my druid may believe this.
1245. When waking up to find her entire village slaughtered, my druid's proper response isn't to smoke a joint.
1246. I cannot make a pothead surfer vampire ever again.
1247. Said vampire cannot count like the Count on Sesame Street... or go up to his Werewolf brother and say 'I vant to drink your blood', and expect to live.
1248. No Puppet shows ever. Especially ones that involve the cutting off the heads of dead Chaos Beastmen, removing the brains and inserting your hand into the skull.
1249. When playing a halfling thief with gauntlets of ogre power, bashing doors instead of picking locks is not an acceptable substitute, especially on a stealth mission.
1250. Yelling into the evil monsters' lair "Hello, nice juicy adventurers who have come to kill you" is not acceptable, even if you really wanted to get this over with quickly.
1251. When playing a super-strong superhero fighting the Nazis in WWII, it is a violation of the rule of war to set a satchel charge, shove it through an enemy combatant's guts, and then throw said combatant into the enemies' lines. Even if results was to break their morale.
1252. Again, when playing a super-strong character, you cannot complain when you lose your shoe after kicking someone in the chest and causing a sucking chest wound. Even if you really liked those shoes and seven villains had to die before you found the correct fit.
1253. Mr. Johnson will never ever again be responsible for expenses, no matter what you rolled, especially when said expenses are a main battle tank and the cost to rebuild your favorite bar.
1254. Yelling "Fire in the hole!" is not sufficient warning after setting the thirty-two sticks of dynamite you have been carrying to explode in three seconds.
1255. Fragging your commanding officer just because he is a Harvard graduate is not acceptable. Especially when a 12-foot-tall crazed super-soldier is about to eat the party.
1256. I cannot disbelieve it's not butter.
1257. The head of the dragon council does not need to fill out paperwork.
1258. "Let's go to a titty bar" is not an acceptable form of diplomacy.
1259. There are no familiars that do 2d-12 damage from their claw attacks.
1260. An outboard motor is not an acceptable melee weapon.
Up is down, left is right and sideways is straight ahead. - Cord "Circle of Iron", 1978 (written by Bruce Lee and James Coburn... really...)
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pizza!? 
to 667.
What's McFly gonna do now!?
I guess the guy that forbid number 673 hasn't heard about cannon fodder ever.
I didn't know Arthas would be there as well...
or 
or even 
I guess that's a goodbye to Macross and Robotech...
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